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In order to make the world feel better about itself, Americans need to be smaller, weaker, stupid, and quiet. And that’s not the French or Jimmy Carter talking, it’s our own State Department, courtesy of Karen Hughes.

Yes, that’s right you ugly American you! Starting next month American tourists are going to get an “etiquette” guide so as to not offend or irritate any Europeans we may encounter when traveling overseas. Here’s how a British newspaper has covered our government’s new concern about how Americans behave, along with a few of the 16 etiquette suggestions for us irresponsibly successful and happy rubes:

The reputation of the “Ugly American” abroad is not, however, just some cruel stereotype, but – according to the American government itself – worryingly accurate. Now, the State Department in Washington has joined forces with American industry to plan an image make-over by issuing guides for Americans travelling overseas on how to behave.

The guide offers a series of “simple suggestions” under the slogan, “Help your country while you travel for your company”. The advice targets a series of common American traits and includes:

• Think as big as you like but talk and act smaller. (In many countries, any form of boasting is considered very rude. Talking about wealth, power or status – corporate or personal – can create resentment.)

Oh yeah, I like that one. We must, must make sure we give the impression that Americans are just like them, not successful, not happy, not “big.” We can’t have those Euros feeling bad about themselves, now can we? Funny, but last time I checked, people from around the world were desperate to come to America specifically because we are bigger and better and more exciting.

And that’s only the beginning.

• Save the lectures for your kids. (Whatever your subject of discussion, let it be a discussion not a lecture. Justified or not, the US is seen as imposing its will on the world.)

I’m a little confused here. Children can handle a lecture but adults in another country have to be coddled? Yes, I suppose it would be embarrassing for an American to suggest that setting cars on fire is stupid. Of course, Europe is in the trouble it’s in specifically because no one is willing to face reality. And we certainly can’t inject any. No, that would be “bad” and “offensive.”

• Speak lower and slower. (A loud voice is often perceived as bragging. A fast talker can be seen as aggressive and threatening.)

Hmm, so Euros and others respond to a speech style by turning into wild dogs? And we’re the ones getting a Rule Book?

• Your religion is your religion and not necessarily theirs. (Religion is usually considered deeply personal, not a subject for public discussions.)

Now what do you think the odds are this one applies only to Christians and Jews? And about religion being private these days–that for sure only applies to Christians and Jews. Last time I checked Islam was right out there, cutting peoples heads off, rioting, and blowing other people up. Yeah, Christians and Jews better not have any religious “public discussions” now should we.

• If you talk politics, talk – don’t argue. (Steer clear of arguments about American politics, even if someone is attacking US politicians or policies. Agree to disagree.)

That’s right–as some frog attacks America you are to give the impression that your manhood has just been sucked back up into the cavity from which it originally sprang. This is nothing less than the Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton Tourist Strategy which, as we’ve seen, only emboldens freakish America-hating pigs–turn away, do nothing, say nothing, cower. And then ask where the nearest bordello is where you can lust in your heart with your cigar.

Keith Reinhard, one of New York’s top advertising executives, who heads BDA, said: “Surveys consistently show that Americans are viewed as arrogant, insensitive, over-materialistic and ignorant about local values. That, in short, is the image of the Ugly American abroad and we want to change it.”

Keith wants to change the way Euros view Americans? Then he better become a neuro-surgeon because they only way that’s going to change is with quite a few Euro brain transplants.

And once again because envious under-achievers from mediocre countries view Americans with resentment because we represent all they will never be, we’re told we had better change. It’s the American who must work to make the inferior and ignorant feel better about themselves. Please. It’s about time Euros, Arabs and others start to worry about our opinion of them, as they face and work to defeat their pathological hatred of freedom and success. Our pretending to be “less than” may appease the natives for a moment, but it will not solve the problem of a lack of self-esteem, depression, and self-loathing, all of which consume the America-hater in the first place.

Now, if the world is now a place where Americans have to pretend to be under-achieving and miserable so foreigners aren’t threatened, why travel to a foreign country at all? Why not spend your hard-earned dollars right here in the beautiful US of A?

Don’t just buy American, travel America, too. Then we can see what all those European touristy cities think of Americans, as they have less of our money pouring into their socialist systems. We might just even be missed, baseball caps and sneakers included.

In the meantime, if you do have to travel, I will be sending in a few suggestions of my own to the State Department for them to add to their little list.

Tammy’s International Etiquette Rules for the Ugly, Pesky, Loud Americans So Europeans Won’t Be So Irritated With Us:

France:

When in Paris, whenever possible set the nearest Peugeot on fire. When in the French suburbs, raid trains as a group, assaulting women and stealing jewelry and money. And don’t forget to should “Allahu Akbar!” while you’re at it. That’ll help you to immediately fit into the crowd. If you could also chase down and kill a young Jewish man while there, you will immediately win the hearts and minds of the “people from the suburbs.” Saying it’s “wrong” to behave like feral savages and that Islamic violence will destroy France will remind the French and “people from the suburbs” of their incompetence, barbarity and will foster resentment and anger toward Americans for, well, reminding them of their incompetence.

Oh, and leave that soap at home.

England:

Remove your two front teeth. A full set of pearly-whites are indicative of a working health care system and access to doctors. It is bound to create envy and resentment. And if you really want to make the English feel comfortable, join one of those roving bands of thugs who assault and mug people at random. No one will ever suspect you’re better than them. Nope.

Germany:

Never, ever deny the Holocaust. It’ll get you arrested and jailed for who knows how long. Next, applaud the Germans for allowing the Iranian soccer team to play in their hosted World Cup, and not yet banning Iran’s holocaust-denying and wannabe genocidal maniac Ahmadenijad as their guest. Mentioning anything about “rank hypocrisy” is bound to create resentment and hostility and make you appear “unfriendly.”

Well, I hope that helps. So when you get that little etiquette book from the State Department, Karen Hughes and the little boys who run “public relations firms” in New York, at least you’ll have that little extra bit of toilet paper you’ll need just in case you get stuck on the train in the London-Paris Chunnel because of power outages and work strikes.

Or, of course, you could finally see the Liberty Bell, Little Big Horn, the town of Tombstone, the Florida Keys, Disneyland, Disneyworld, Washington, DC, New York City and Broadway, the Santa Monica beach, Hollywood, Las Vegas, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. But then I’m just a tad biased :)