Tammy Bruce: Theories of Vodka

Theories of Vodka

A Thirsty Post by Maynard

Tammy has lately extolled the virtues of the Martini. I acknowledge her wisdom here (as in all things), but nevertheless wonder: Why Martinis? Is it the nostalgia factor? We think of the Martini as the drink of choice of the 1950's. Your father or grandfather trudged home from a hard day at the office, and your mom or grandmom immediately handed him a Martini. This made everything okay, or at least that's the way it was portrayed on TV and movies. So maybe we've come to associate the Martini with the comforts of a warm, loving abode. And don't bother to tell me the reality was quite different; I'm spinning a fantasy here, thank you very much. Please humor me!

Anyway, symbolism aside, the Martini packs a punch simply based upon its alcoholic content. A basic Martini includes two shots of gin (or vodka, as some (including Tammy, I believe) prefer), plus half a shot of vermouth (it's the vermouth that makes the Martini "dry"), not to mention the obligatory olive stuffed with pimento. So the fabled "double Martini" that people ask for in movies when under stress contains at least 5 shots of hard booze, and that's more than enough to knock you off your chair.

One of the deep questions I ponder is what is the real difference between the various "adult beverages"? Dedicated boozers will tell you that the nature of your drunk depends upon your choice of tipple. A wine drinker goes one way; a vodka guzzler goes another. The common element of all these libations is grain alcohol, technically known as ethanol; the stuff that some argue should be fueling our cars instead of our debaucheries. The details of manufacture vary but the principle is consistent: You ferment grapes to produce ethanol and call the result wine; you ferment juniper berries to produce ethanol and then distill it and call the result gin. What's the difference? (By the way, they tell me that "fermentation" isn't the same thing as "rotting" or "decomposing", but I think the distinction is minor.)

Such questions lead me vodka, which is the true purist's drink. Vodka is, by definition, a generic product. A bottle labeled as vodka must contain water and ethanol and nothing else. In fact, the word "vodka" is a diminutive Russian word for "water". Thus, in theory, all vodkas should be identical. So how is it that the vodkas taste so different? (I'm talking about the straight vodkas, not the flavored varieties.) Seems that the distinctions come about as a result of impurities that survive the distillation and filtration. The specific taste that characterizes any particular brand of vodka is an indication of its imperfections rather than, as their advertising will tell you, its perfection.

To suit our palate, vodka may require some accompaniment. Tammy makes it into a Martini, which is a fine idea. Left to my own devices, I'll reach for the White Russian. Why? Because, aside from alcohol, what's the mood-altering food product we love the most? I speak, of course, of coffee, which dispenses caffeine. Remember that alcohol is technically a depressant, and thus you may require a stimulant to maintain your equilibrium, lest you become a somnambulist. To make a White Russian, mix vodka with a splash of a coffee liqueur, and add a little milk (or, if you're feeling particularly decadent, cream). Now this is the perfect adult beverage! Trust me on this.

As to the particulars... Well, the traditional White Russian uses Kahlua, but I'm partial towards the rich, aromatic Starbucks Coffee Liqueur. Apply it sparingly, because Starbucks is a heavy donor to the Democrats, but I've got to admit it's good stuff! As for the vodka, all I can say is, buy domestic. You don't need to pay those silly Russians or Europe Peons (unless they're Tammy advertisers) to get a buzz; we make plenty of fine booze right here in the heartland. If you're not happy with Skyy, try Blue Ice Potato Vodka or some other interesting domestic vodka. Avoid the cheap no-name brands; your head will thank you. Look for multi-stage distillation and filtration.

There you go; a primer for wannabe boozers. But go easy on it: As Prometheus observed, firewater is a wonderful servant and a terrible master. This has been, as always, a public service message, courtesy of your friend Maynard via our benefactor Miss Tammy.

Posted by Maynard · June 17, 2006 02:36 PM · Permalink
Food/Drink | Maynard Post

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