Maynard’s Halloween Goodies

Bumped due to news event!

I (Maynard) am bumping my old Halloween post due to a connected news report (Tweeted by Tammy).

Minnesota soda shop threatened with $500 fine for selling candy smokes

Owners of an old-school soda shop in St. Paul, Minn., are being warned to kick the habit and stop stocking novelty candy cigarettes.

City inspectors threatened a misdemeanor citation and $500 fine if Lynden’s soda fountain is caught selling the fake smokes again. The Star Tribune reported Wednesday that the offering violated an ordinance barring the sale of candy smokes and cartoon character lighters…

This is the totalitarian mindset at work. First Amendment? What First Amendment? Oh, yeah, we’re protecting children, so it’s okay. I suppose that argument might make some sense, except that so many aspects of our culture are an open sewer — drugs, broken homes, degrading and dehumanizing entertainment, etc. etc. — that these ridiculous flashes of fascistic intervention into bits of harmless fluff merely highlights the madness of our political leadership.

In my original article, I joked about being prosecuted for distributing these goodies. It seems the joke may be on me.

Original article: Why be normal? As part of my ongoing protest against everything, I’m again ordering old-style candies to disperse on Halloween. I figure my “free candy” campaign will echo ironically against Obama’s “free money” program. Except, of course, that I’m selfishly giving away my own candy, whereas Obama generously gives away my money. But I guess that’s only fair, since I’m a rich privileged parasite. Anyway, until I get my time machine working, I’m forced to obtain this unusual contraband from NostalgicCandy.com. This year my selection consists of candy cigarettes (of course!), Chick-o-Sticks (dunno what they are, but they look interesting), Lemonheads (been around since 1962 and they seem pleasant enough), Pumpkin Seeds (these positively ooze nostalgia), and a smattering of Smarties (bulk filler). How could I go wrong?


Bumped again. I got through last year without getting strung up, so I’ll let them have another shot at me. I briefly contemplated adding to the controversy by passing out tea party candy (if only I could figure out what that might be; kids wouldn’t be much interested in tea bags), or possibly this odd little offering. But why push it? No, I’ll stick with what I’ve got.]


A year ago during the run-up to Halloween, I was contemplating the possibility of passing out politically incorrect candy. I’m pleased to report that I wasn’t prosecuted or sued. So I figure I’ll press my luck and try again.

My main offense against humanity is to give out candy cigarettes. They’re basically little boxes of cheap chalky sugar sticks. The display carton (24 packs) costs $5.50 plus shipping from NostalgicCandy.com.

I round out my offering with pumpkin seeds (36 packs for $8.00) and a tub of peanut chews (100 bite-size bars for $12.00 [but these don't seem to be available in 2010]). The former I selected for its old-fashioned appearance, the latter so I’d have something that I might actually like.

Why do I bother? It’s cheaper and easier just to go to the local supermarket and buy the same old same old. I guess I just need to do things differently (and preferably disagreeably). This seems to be a theme of my existence.

The following is my post of a year ago, when I first contemplated my folly. The older comments were posted in response to my query of whether I dared proceed:


Evil Candy!

Maynard’s Plea

I (Maynard) suffer from an unusual variant of Tourette’s syndrome. I am randomly compelled to commit acts of gross political incorrectness. This is a serious offence in California.

My immediate fall from grace started (as so many depraved acts do) with an Internet click. I stumbled across a source of nostalgic candy. (I subsequently found there are many such vendors.)

My immediate reaction was, “This is neat stuff!” But I didn’t rush to buy anything. What do I need candy for? I don’t really eat it.

Then the devil whispered in my ear: “Maynard! Buy a load of candy cigarettes and give them to children on Halloween!”

I’ve never been a smoker, but neither do I have anything against smokers. I’m glad there’s no longer smoking on airplanes. But other than that, I perceive smokers as having become one of our national whipping boys. There’s no compelling public interest to justify the legal harassment of smokers, and the excessive regulation of smoking sets a hideous precedent for other nanny-state-type controls. This is a vote-with-your-feet-not-with-a-ballot situation.

I remember candy cigarettes from the days of my misspent youth. Later they disappeared from the shelves. But I see they’re not really gone; they just were forced into hiding. And that ain’t right!

Should I pass out candy cigarettes on Halloween? Is this a funny thing to do? An amusing challenge to the excesses of the era? Or does it fall into the category of not fun and not funny? Crass and pointlessly offensive? Or maybe it’s fun and/or funny, but nevertheless a bad idea because somebody will shoot me?

This section is for comments from tammybruce.com's community of registered readers. Please don't assume that Tammy agrees with or endorses any particular comment just because she lets it stand.
60 Comments | Leave a comment
  1. brutepcm says:

    Here in the hinterlands, no one would make a fuss. Someone might say:”I didn’t know they still made those!” In LaLa land, you should expect a visit from the thought police.
    Gotta go work on that Sarah Palin costume now. Anyone out there have a pair of red pumps in men’s size 12?
    Anyone who would admit to it?

  2. eigafan says:

    I wouldn’t do it in California. Some liberal parent might file a complaint with the police against you for corrupting a minor with the temptation of smoking. You’ll end being registered as a sex offender. You’ll lose your job and ruin your marriage. The only place you can legally live will be under some overpass. On the bright side, you’ll have a nice tan with plenty of scraps to eat and won’t freeze to death in sunny California. If Obama gets elected you’ll even get a $1,000 check next year.

  3. KWH says:

    It’s just one tiny sin……only one.
    I’d do it or die!

  4. syd says:

    For what it’s worth, I laughed when I read this. It’s especially funny, considering where you live. Do it!

  5. fast richard says:

    Funny: no.
    Amusing: maybe.
    Juvenile: definitely.
    Pointlessly Offensive: You know your neighbors better than I do.

    This idea sounds like dragging kids into an argument between adults. That is why I think it is a bad idea. Candy cigarettes would make great party favors at an adult party, especially if the adults are all non-smokers. In that situation it might be funny, and a conversation starter.

    By the way, do they still have red dye on one end of the candy cigarette? Or, has that kind of food coloring been banned?

  6. Brooke says:

    You MUST do this, and then post about the reaction you get out there!

    Don’t forget the bubble gum cigars! :)

  7. Colocelt says:

    PLEASE… DO it and then report back :-)

  8. Kelly says:

    Maynard, you’re a man after my own heart. I, too, remember those cigarette candies and wondered where they disappeared to. Smoking contributed to my Dad’s death, I don’t smoke and I’m glad that CA restaurants and bars are smoke-free. However, smokers have become the lepers of American society, especially here in the Golden State.

    I say pass out regular candy to the kiddies and have a party for adults and pass out the cigs to them. I’ll bring the vodka. ;)

  9. W.C. Varones says:

    Placing my Halloween order now.

  10. Young American says:

    Maynard you know they would come after you to lock you up if you dared passed out those evil candy cigarettes but try passing out condoms to the trick or treaters and they will give you a ‘ best citizen of the week ‘ award.

  11. Kimj7157 says:

    I use to love candy cigarettes. Nothing else out there tastes like ‘em. I think the idea is very funny, but some wacko probably WOULD shoot you. So, play it safe for all our sakes. :) (Give out “Satellite Wafers Candy” instead. How I miss that edible styrofoam… .)

  12. zeeff23 says:

    What a great question of morality. There should be no problem at all with giving candy cigarettes to kids, but there is. You should do it just to see what happens, but you really shouldn’t.

    those were my favorite candy, and I have never been a smoker. They may glamorize a habit that has been deemed evil, but man they were cool.

  13. snowcloud says:

    Hi everyone, I am not sure where to post this but it’s seriously disturbing and I want to get it out there.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUEQz5dltmI

  14. 2T3MzooK says:

    Do it!

    As well: Do it! (The Hustle.)

  15. bstndance says:

    Just be careful they’re not made in China.

  16. RichRo says:

    My initial reaction was a fist in the air and “hell yes Maynard – you HAVE to do it”. But after reading SYD’s post and thinking some more about how the times have changed I do think it would do more harm than good, and mostly at the kids’ expense. I do love the concept though. Offending sensibilities is good at times – you just have to choose your battles.

    All that said, I used to love these as a kid and never took up smoking. Thanks for bringing back the memories — me and my friends “smoking” these candies as we stood in a circle lighting those expanding black “snakes” :)

  17. c4400 says:

    Just do it. Haha.

  18. lord-ruler says:

    I ate candy cigarettes and gum Cigars as a child. My dad was a mormon bishop and He knew what I was doing but never had to say anything about it.. I think he ate a few himself. The reason is my religion teaches that we should not smoke or drink. I knew the difference between candy and the real thing. Liberals should not assume children are so stupid. I bet if they made a candy that is packaged like a condom liberals would not even bat an eye.

  19. echosierra says:

    Do it while puffing on one of those smokeless electric cigarettes that emit water vapor “smoke”. I have a friend who is using one to quit smoking, and it irks the hell out of people when they tell him to put it out and he shows them it’s not a real cigarette. I think most of these complainers just like imposing their will on other people and having societal support to do so.

  20. franknitti says:

    I usually turn out the lights in my condo and pretend that no one’s home on Halloween night. That way I won’t have to spend the evening handing out candy to all the kiddies. In the condo complex where I live we usually get a lot of Trick-or-Treaters because the mommies and daddies seem to think we’re a candy machine. But I digress. After seeing these candy cigarettes, I’m going to change my policy and order some of those. I will hand them out to the kiddies on Halloween night. I don’t care what their parents say to me. If they give them back, fine. They can move onto the next residence. So Maynard, my advice to you is to go ahead and give out the cigarette candy. But if you decide against it, you can rest comfortably knowing that I gave some out.

  21. mindywic says:

    Has anyone else seen the spoof on Will Ferrel’s commercial? It’s called “Listen to Overpaid Celebrities” by non-celebrities on Obamacare. I thought the spoof was funnier than the original. Check it out: hotair.com/archives/2009/09/30/video-and-now-an-important-message-from-non-celebrities-on-obamacare/

  22. LauraVW says:

    Dear Maynard,

    There are signs that America is soon to be a free country again. Update on Sarah’s memoir…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYgIYzs-yJ8

  23. Count Crash says:

    I gotta say Maynard, I wish I would have thought of that. Absolutely brilliant.

  24. thierry says:

    spanish groceries i have found seem to always have candy cigarettes. each year i build a day of the day altar in my house- like in mexico. you cover it with the food, drinks and objects your departed ones liked – i don’t smoke and you’re suppose to consume the offerings too so candy cigarettes usually make it on there.

    i recall all those cheap bastards who gave out the crappy candy- so i always get a big bowl of the name brand stuff. so few kids come to my house i let them stick their fists in there and take as much as they want. it was always my favorite holiday – which explains a lot of things now. life in itself is a chance, is unknown, may or not be what you make it, could be gone tomorrow. taking the chance out of life is taking the life out of life- the autonomy to exercise one’s free will. the freedom and fun and slight edge of halloween when i was a child reminds me that all this government interference in people’s personal lives is what’s most destructive and misguided- and it does not work. denying people the rights to their own personal decisions is making them into dead automatons and that’s about the most evil thing i can imagine.

    halloween should remind us that death is the great equalizer, not government. just maybe raping a child or killing someone also is worse than smoking a damn cigarette- people need to be reminded of that. here kid, have a cigarette.

    • Maynard says:

      Yes, those of us in el Norte have sanitized Halloween, and it’s interesting to ponder El Día de los Muertos. Perhaps we’ve gone too far in closing our eyes to the life cycle. If you’re in Massachusetts, you probably pass by old graveyards all the time. Not so in urban California. I think it might have been a good life lesson in the old days, going to church and seeing the adjacent graveyard. But maybe my thinking is obsolete, now that we’ve got Obamacare and will live either forever or until Soylent Green or Carousel.

  25. KathyJo says:

    How will they know just who gave them the cigs? If you don’t wave ‘em in the air and flourish them about when you slip ‘em into their bags, how will the parents ever know which demented occupant of the many demented occupants they visited gave the kid the candy cigarettes? Why would anyone take their child and knock on a bunch of strangers’ doors and then accept anything said stranger gave them?? We are so into child safety in this country, recognizing stranger danger, yet once a year parents dress their kids up in costumes and masks that they can’t see bupkus through, and take them out–or worse, let them go out on their own–and go to the homes of strangers and accept candy from strangers. It’s not that I’m against celebrating Halloween in the traditional manner with costumes and parties and scary stories, I’m just not a proponent of trick or treating.

    So Maynard. . .you go ahead! Besides, they are certainly no more harmful than eating a Milky Way.

    • Maynard says:

      Yes, you argue that Halloween engenders the something-for-nothing entitlement mentality. That’s a point, but I think this is mainly one of those traditional things, and we play our roles and have some fun with it. As Freud famously noted, sometimes a candy cigar is just a candy cigar.

  26. Conservatarian says:

    Ah, Halloween, kids come to a stranger’s door, begging for candy, a perfect intro to liberalism. How about giving them pocket constitutions instead of candy, you can tell them Michelle Obama doesn’t think they should have candy anyway.

  27. Shifra says:

    Tammy, if your neighbors are Dems, try this on their litte kiddies: http://twitpic.com/2ycmnt

  28. CurliQ says:

    Ahh, Maynard. You have brought some good childhood memories. Sorting through our candy, looking for razorblades, puffing our imaginary cigarettes….then CHOMP, devouring that sugary goodness in two bites. Incidentally, neither I nor my 3 siblings grew up to be smokers but curiously by the time my first child was born (1991), I felt the need to make sure she didn’t indulge in that candy. Suddenly I was afraid for her, interesting. How things change in only 20 years.

    • Maynard says:

      I could be wrong about this, but I think the tales of apples laced with razor blades are merely urban legends and not real-world threats. I think sociopaths would find some other way to act out, considering that a dispenser of toxic goodies would likely be caught.

      One of my sick troublemaking fantasies (which I wouldn’t really do) would be, a few days before Halloween, to put on a trench coat and slouch over to my local supermarket. Then, having filled my cart with apples, I’d poke around rasping out questions to employees about where razor blades might be found. One of these days my malfunctioning sense of humor is going to get me strung up.

  29. morecowbell says:

    Dude. Not even close to evil. My list of goodies includes only 2 items:Mountain Dew and Pixie Sticks. The key is LOTS of Pixie sticks, 6 or 7 to a kid: lights them up like a Roman Candle when washed down with a cold can Dew. This year I may even include Tea Bags in the mix just for the fun of it.

    If the parents are Liberals, they will never let them come to your house ever again. The kids on the other hand, will think you are the coolest.

    Just saying… hearts and minds.

    • Rightmindedmom says:

      OMG, Cow — That was so funny, I started coughing! Mountain Dew for trick-or-treat! You are a funny anti-establishment type. More power to you! Hope to meet you in Chicago for the C4Palin meetup.

      Mom in Wisconsin

      • morecowbell says:

        Mom… just for you: the drink that will get you ‘Linda Blair’ drunk for Halloween. Three of these and you need no costume to greet the kids at the door.

        The Pixie Stick Martini

        http://bit.ly/dw9iKt

        We used Mountain Dew instead of 7-UP (wouldn’t be caught caught dead drinking any other sodas than Mountain Dew or RC here in Virginia ).

        Just Saying… Bottoms Up !

        • Chuck says:

          This sounds tasty, cow: too bad I don’t drink soda anymore, :-(. However, I found on the same site a recipe for Blue Pixie Stick, which does not require soda, and it looks like a bomb! I need to try it.

        • thierry says:

          Mongolian Motherblanker

          1 Splash Orange Juice
          1 Splash Pineapple Juice
          0.5 oz. Absolut Citron
          0.25 oz. Blue Curacao
          1 Splash Midori
          1 Splash Grand Marnier
          0.25 oz. Peach Schnapps
          1 Splash Pinà colada Mix
          1 Splash Banana Liqueur
          1 splash 151 proof rum
          1 Splash Lemonade
          0.5 oz. Malibu Coconut Rum

          ( extra special pretty colors- if you’re around black lights like in a club and hit this drink with some tonic water it glows)

  30. Joel267 says:

    Those candy cigarettes were the best. We used to critique each other on how we held ‘em and inhaled. Even rolled the pack up in our t-shirt sleeves. We were cool at 10!

  31. franknitti says:

    I gave out the candy cigarettes last year to the kiddies on Halloween and all the parents thought they were hilarious. I had one parent even ask for a pack for himself. Great idea.

  32. BastiatFan says:

    OMG, Maynard. I think we may have been separated at birth: this is exactly the kind of
    stuff *I* do, just to piss off the leftie nitwits.

    Go, Maynard, go!

  33. thierry says:

    i thought the chocolate cigarettes looked pretty good:
    http://tinyurl.com/29qdtxa
    or cigars( and i recall bubble gum cigars…):
    http://tinyurl.com/25eykql

    but why not give out toys? i suggest the ‘ smoking monkey’- “Pop them out of the package, slide one of the special cigarettes into the monkey’s mouth, light it up, and watch him smoke.”

    http://tinyurl.com/26dmyyc

    it really is a wonder how anyone who grew up before the 80′s reached adulthood considering the toys and candies we were given.

    • Maynard says:

      Don’t forget improvised flamethrowers comprised of an aerosol can of hairspray and a lit match (I recall wondering whether the flame could reach back into the internals of the can and make it explode), not to mention an improvised spaceman’s helmet consisting of a clear plastic bag over the head. And of course the old favorite of sticking a bare wire into an electric socket, which is a trick I learned not to repeat, or at least not without variation.

      • thierry says:

        sadly i missed out on the Atomic Energy Lab :

        “The set came with four types of uranium ore, a beta-alpha source (Pb-210), a pure beta source (Ru-106), a gamma source (Zn-65?), a spinthariscope, a cloud chamber with its own short-lived alpha source (Po-210), an electroscope, a geiger counter, a manual, a comic book (Dagwood Splits the Atom) and a government manual ‘Prospecting for Uranium’.”

        http://tinyurl.com/an3ph4

        my friends have a band called Undark and the Radium Girls named after the girls who used to paint the glow in the dark dials on watch faces. they would lick and point the brushes with their tongues. the same substance ( undark, a paint with radium in it)which of course is deadly was used on toys like yo yos and dolls.

        http://tinyurl.com/37c8mpc

        why anyone lived to adult hood after a 40s or 50s childhood is a wonder. it’s one thing to improvise being gene simmons with household items or figure out what else airplane glue can be used for on your own, it’s quite another to be given radioactive chocolates,toys, soap and water( sorry link is in french, scroll down for the chocolate bar of death):

        http://tinyurl.com/yjermat

  34. varmint says:

    I loved the way those candy cigarettes tasted. The candy lipstick was a special treat too. I suppose all the red dye in them was horrible for me but I ate those like…eh…candy.

  35. varmint says:

    Goldfrapp
    “Satin Chic”
    special performance video
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy8l-ntikv0

  36. otlset says:

    Ironically, I recall my mom getting on my case for inhaling my Halloween candy.

  37. Chuck says:

    Am I probably the only one who still likes the fun sized versions of the old favorites: Babe Ruth, Snickers, M&Ms, Milky Way, Butterfinger, etc.? Given the high potential of pigging out on those, they could certainly be considered as Evil Candy.

    No one has mentioned Red Hot Fire Balls, nor Hot Pepper Candy. Wouldn’t these be evil too?

  38. Kimj7157 says:

    My vote, once again, is for “Satellite Wafers Candy”. Please tell me someone else remembers those… .

  39. kmsimchak says:

    Do it Maynard, and for all the “well maybe not” : If a kids starts smoking because he ate a candy cigarette he has bigger problems than halloween candy! They are fun and pure sugar (unhealthy) but what the hell it is Trick or Treat and let’s face it most of the mommies I know raid the bag for thier share.

  40. kmsbc says:

    Giving candy cigarettes and copies of the Constitution from Heritage Foundation. Should make some folks heads explode!

  41. TheGreenHornet says:

    These control freaks are all insane. I grew up in the generation of candy cigarettes, and I have never been a smoker. I had bubble gum cigars too. We had BB guns, that we used to shoot at each other, chemisty sets with REAL chemicals in them, firecrackers, toy guns, played army, sling shots, Mattel Thingmakers, wood burning sets, rode bikes, crashed bikes, lawn darts, magnifying glasses to burn ants with, and mini bikes and we didn’t kill ourselves or anyone else. This is a nation of cry babies, with an over protectant parent, known as government.

  42. midget says:

    Maynard- you are a riot. Kids today in this PC world are missing out on what we all experienced. FUN.

  43. Mr.Gates says:

    If candy cigarettes are banned, then someone should be selling candy joints. Pot use is a cherished virtue among the childish left.

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