Tammy Bruce: Humor Archives

Humor Archives

An Engineer's Guide to Cats

You can learn from this even if you're a regular person and not an engineer. Enjoy. Oh, the "corporal cuddling" and "cat yodeling" parts are my favorite.

Posted by Tammy · April 30, 2008 10:57 PM · Permalink · Comments (2)
Animal Issues | Humor | Science & Technology

Leave Barry Obama Alone! You Hicks!

If the Open Letter didn't set you straight about Barry, maybe this will do it. In the style of Britney Spears defender Chris Crocker, take this you Clodhoppers and Friends and Parents of Clodhoppers, and leave Barry alone!

Via Gateway Pundit, via the Conservative Intelligencer.

Posted by Tammy · April 16, 2008 09:59 AM · Permalink · Comments (5)
Humor | Politics

The Sweet Seduction of Itchy Butt

You Monday furry respite from the freakish Chinese, condescending politicians, and self-important scientists. Don't say I never gave you anything.

Posted by Tammy · April 14, 2008 10:53 PM · Permalink · Comments (2)
Animal Issues | Humor

Oscars and Razzies

A post by Maynard

In case you need it, here's the Academy Awards nominations list. (Update: And here are final results.)

As a pseudointellectual elitist, I admit to being a great fan of the Coen Brothers and Paul Thomas Anderson. These are the auteurs respectively responsible for frontrunners "No Country for Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood". I give both films the highest praise; however "No Country" is easier to "get" than TWBB.

So much for the best of the best. On the flip side, there are The Razzies — that is, the awards for the worst films of the year. The 2008 winners list (summarized in this press release) heavily favors the turkey "I Know Who Killed Me"; honored individuals include Lindsay Lohan and Eddie Murphy. These awards are duly reported in Variety.

Winners of the "Razzie" rarely show up to collect their statuettes. One notable exception was Halle Berry, who was honored for her miserable performance in "Catwoman". In accepting the award, Berry cited the wisdom of her mother, who once told her, "If you aren't able to be a good loser, then you're not able to be a good winner."

The erudite Economist newsmag published this amusing analysis of the practice of saluting the best of the worst in the creative arts. In justifying the inherent negativity of such ceremonies, the report draws a conclusion worth noting:

Staggering, awe-inspiring deficiency perhaps deserves even greater recognition than the handful of prizes doled out today. It is the vital second front in the battle against creative mediocrity.

Posted by Maynard · February 24, 2008 04:21 PM · Permalink · Comments (3)
Hollywood/Films | Humor | Maynard Post

Narcissists in History

Trivia by Maynard

The Republicans had launched a long, bloody war. The Democrats advocated a negotiated settlement that would respect the independence of our adversaries. The conflict was going badly, and it looked like the Republicans would lose the next election. There were riots and protests; New York was brought to a standstill. Rebellious opponents of the Administration were jailed, in open defiance of their Constitutional rights. An actor worked to effect regime change in Washington. Morale was low and the economy was shaky. Money was in short supply, so the government printed more.

(This was the Civil War, by the way.)

Coins were hoarded, so Congress authorized various new denominations of fractional currency (that is, paper money worth less than a dollar). The 5-cent note was to display a portrait of William Clark (of the historical Lewis and Clark expedition).

William Clark looked like this:

But the 5-cent bills that went into circulation, as Congress eventually discovered to its surprise and chagrin, looked like this:

Lincoln's Superintendent of the National Currency Bureau (now the B.E.P.) was a man named Spencer M. Clark. It seems that Superintendent Clark, upon seeing an order to honor the historical Clark, thought it meant he was supposed to put his own picture on the money.

Congress screamed, but it was too late. Millions had been printed. (You can see them on eBay.)

Thus do narcissists pass into history, while the rest of us are forgotten.

There's a lesson in there somewhere, but I hesitate to dwell on it.

Posted by Maynard · January 28, 2008 06:13 PM · Permalink · Comments (2)
History | Humor | Malignant Narcissism | Maynard Post

The Untold Christmas Story

I has it.

Want moar? Get buckit full heer.

Posted by Tammy · December 22, 2007 10:34 AM · Permalink · Comments (7)
Animal Issues | Faith/The Divine | History | Humor

Your Friday Cat Video, Just Because

No death, destruction, men with bombs or seething Islamists. Just a couple of regular cats having a discussion. You can thank me now, or you can thank me later. (HT my buddy Pete).

Posted by Tammy · November 30, 2007 01:09 PM · Permalink · Comments (5)
Animal Issues | Humor

The Daily Show Explains "News I'd Like to..."

Yes, this is the Daily Show segment I could not discuss on Tammy Radio, for what will becomes obvious reasons. While the visuals are safe for work, the audio discussion, a certain word used to be exact, may not be. Have at it, courtesy of Raw Story.

The question then, of course, becomes, is it true?

Posted by Tammy · November 19, 2007 11:19 AM · Permalink · Comments (10)
Humor | Television

Smarter Than Al Gore?

A post by Maynard

Never mind the doomsayers! When next you need a weather report, a glance at your favorite weather stone will tell you all you need to know!

So why hasn't a Nobel Prize been awarded to "Gary"?

(I don't know the origin of this pic, but it's floating all over the net.)

Posted by Maynard · October 29, 2007 01:58 AM · Permalink · Comments (4)
Humor | Maynard Post

Bad Girls, Then and Now

A note by Maynard

Some observers wring their hands at the West's ever-rising tide of in-your-face depravity. Certainly a civil society has never seen anything like this before!

If it makes you feel any better, celebrity misbehavior is nothing new. Britney Spears, pictured above left, ventures into town wearing boots and a shirt but no pants. But Britney is merely following the lead of old-school feminist Daisy Duck (right), who pioneered the pantless style 'way back in the 1940's.

Life imitates art. And the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Somebody Stole Somebody's Girlfriend

Funny, in the regular world, this sort of fight happens just about six months after the U-Haul has come and gone. The fact that it took 40-some years is amazing.

Italian archbishop closes convent after nuns come to blows

A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows, press reports said Sunday.

Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.

Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri tried to reconcile the nuns but finally decided in late August that they had "clearly lost their religious vocation" and asked the Vatican for permission to close the convent.

Was it the Curve Magazine or the DVD of "Desert Hearts" that gave it away?

Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista moved to another convent, but Sister Liliana barricaded herself inside, refusing to leave, the reports said, adding that she suspected Battista Pichierri of planning to cede the convent to another community...

What are the chances it's West Hollywood?

Oh, and while we're at it, let's cast the movie! I say Charlotte Rampling and Jacqueline Bisset for Annamaria and Gianbattista and Sophia Loren for Liliana. Other ideas?

Posted by Tammy · October 1, 2007 11:29 AM · Permalink · Comments (5)
Cultural Commentary | Faith/The Divine | Humor

Forget Britney. Leave General Petraeus Alone!

He's human!...He's done stuff! Here's the 'president', using today's winning whining style. Since the 'Leave Britney Alone' video has been viewed more than 2 million times since it posted yesterday, who knows, using the same style might work. After all, he does admit he cries.

Posted by Tammy · September 13, 2007 11:30 AM · Permalink · Comments (4)
Humor | Politics

Taking a Woman to Bed

I couldn't resist. Swiped from Patsy, Patsy Stone, a friend on MySpace.

What is the difference between girls/woman Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68,
and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Posted by Tammy · August 10, 2007 09:18 PM · Permalink · Comments (3)
Humor | Relationships

Poo in the Senate

assholes

And I'm not talking about the senators. (HT Hot Air).

Turds found in Capitol, but no 'blossoms' in sight

"Usually, if a turd gets into the Senate, it’s because he or she was elected," Emily Heil reports for Roll Call. "But on Wednesday, several large piles of actual, nonmetaphorical 'No. 2' found their way into the Capitol, and the source isn’t yet clear."...

Witnesses said they couldn’t believe that a single culprit could have produced the volume of poo present or that a person could have, well, deposited it the normal way without attracting attention. Several witnesses speculated it had been brought in from elsewhere.

“There was so much of it, there was just no way it came from a little kid or even that one person had done it,” said one staffer who witnessed the stinky scene.

I love us.

Posted by Tammy · June 15, 2007 11:52 AM · Permalink · Comments (9)
Good News | Hero | Humor | Immigration

Library Fantasies

Adventures in literature with Maynard

Tammy, wearing glasses for her recent FOXNews appearance, questioned whether the "librarian" look detracted from her glamorous image. A fascinating question! So...how do we feel about library gals? I'm guessing the image is relatively favorable to TammyFans, since glasses add 15 perceived IQ points to any creature. We're the kind of crowd that considers this a good thing, don't you think? Here's an example:

Isn't that the smartest-looking dog you've ever seen? So just imagine what glasses can do for people!

However, in the larger world, librarians are apparently less favored. I say this because I find pitifully few romance books (this is the quickest way to gauge the tastes of a society) telling sordid tales of librarian misadventures.

...and note that the gals pictured aren't even wearing glasses! I'm not convinced they're really librarians at all.

Perhaps librarians are more closely associated with negative imagery.

In any case, the librarian genre is dwarfed by the surfeit of nurse books. It seems that somebody out there must have a lot of nurse fantasies. This makes no sense to me. I had no sooner emerged into this crazy planet when I got slugged by a nurse, and I've been on the run from them ever since. But, as I've long since learned, not everyone out there is as sensible as I am.

Posted by Maynard · May 29, 2007 11:23 PM · Permalink · Comments (10)
Books | Humor | Maynard Post | Tammy Notes

Comic Relief!

A post by Maynard

Can we get some comic relief here? I don't know about you guys and gals, but I need a break. The news is just too overwhelming. Looked at from the most dire point of view, it seems not impossible that George Bush will ultimately leave Iraq as a puppet, rather than an adversary, of a nuclear Iran. On the home front, after a failed attempt to reform Social Security, he'll dump 20 million new resident aliens into the system, assuring that Social Security and Medicare will bankrupt the nation even sooner than had previously been projected. This on top of his unfunded trillion-dollar prescription drug giveaway program to seniors.

As if the foregoing weren't bad enough, all of George Bush's failings will be blamed on "conservatives", and future voters will have a knee-jerk reaction against all things "conservative". That George Bush is "conservative" is one of those facts that everybody knows, but if everybody didn't already know it, I don't know how they'd figure it out.

However...the foregoing comments are speculative, and history may play out in a more benign scenario. There is an ebb and flow to world events, and at some points the tide is moving against you and you're not going to make much progress no matter what you do. It may turn out that George Bush has set us on a difficult but unavoidable course, as we re-orient to deal with global dependence upon a hostile and unstable Mid-East, as well as the rising power of China. There are treacherous waters ahead no matter who the captain is, and make no mistake about that.

My gosh, why did you let me get started on all that stuff? I promised comic relief, and now I'm wound up all over again Okay, here goes. Is everybody ready for a group hug? No, just kidding! We don't need a hug; we need some cathartic violence! I'd like to beat up a politician (I'm speaking metaphorically; please don't send the Secret Service to my door!), but there aren't any politicians nearby. But beating on a telemarketer is almost as good!

Okay, first let me warn you that some may find the following humor offensive. Sensitive souls will avoid clicking the "more" button. For the rest of you who would like to spit food through your nose, follow me.

Posted by Maynard · May 27, 2007 12:00 AM · Permalink · Comments (3)
Fed Incompetence | Humor | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Magician Declares: Vegas Run by Gays, Jews and Americans

And someone other than a gay man would have thought this up?

Obviously, the crowd that knows how to have the best and most fun. And hey, why doesn't he make all the Joooooz, gheys, and Americans just disappear? Oh, but then there'd be no one left to give him his own show. Silly me.

I am wondering, though, about teh ghey--was it the half-naked women in high-heels and boas that gave him his first clue?

Vegas run by gays and Jews, says magician

Swedish magician Joe Labero has provoked a strong reaction with suggestions that Las Vegas is controlled by "Jewish business syndicates, American dollar millionaires and homosexual booking agents".

As a prelude to his controversial thesis, Labero explained that he has long been close to getting his own show in Las Vegas.

"But at the end of the day it seems to be impossible - unless you are a homosexual, a Jew or an American.

"I don't mean to sound prejudiced of course, I'm just cynical. A blond Swedish Viking will have a hard time breaking through the hierarchies that control Vegas, where power rests in the hands of Jewish business syndicates, American dollar millionaires and homosexual booking agents.

"But I will get there, sooner of later," Labero told the magazine.

Those controversialist Swedish Viking illusionists!

Posted by Tammy · May 11, 2007 06:54 PM · Permalink · Comments (8)
Babes | Cultural Commentary | Fashion | Gay Issues | Humor

"Gay People: Give Me Back My Stuff!"

One of the funniest pieces I've seen addressing the gayification of certain things--gay cars, gay music, the word gay, gay whatever. I'm a little confused, though. Last time I checked, cars weren't interested in romance at all. Fortunately Alex Beam, Boston Globe columnist, explains all.

Gay people, give me back my stuff!

Omigod, my cars are so gay!

I discovered this last week, when the all-knowing New York Times Styles section revealed that Subarus are casually known as "Lesbarus." And indeed, there is my station wagon on about.com's list of "Top 10 Gay Cars " : "The Outback is a long-running lesbian champion," the website reports.

Yikes. I bought my second-hand Subaru about a year ago from a Norwegian gentleman in New Hampshire. I've known him and his wonderful family for many years. In fact, I married one of his daughters. And now I learn this. The things one never knows...

So here's my question: Is there any element of contemporary culture that hasn't been appropriated by gays? Or, phrased another way: Hey, gay people! Give me my stuff back, OK?

Posted by Tammy · April 19, 2007 11:20 AM · Permalink · Comments (16)
Gay Issues | Humor

"I Need To Get My Drink On"

Is what Pearl, the 2-year-old landlord finally admits to her loafing tenant. And while she isn't dancing in her diaper, Pearl does swear a lot, so make sure the non-swearing toddlers aren't around otherwise you'll be plenty embarrassed at the next family gathering.

Ready? Click here:

The Landlord

"I'm just buzzed."

Posted by Tammy · April 18, 2007 08:01 PM · Permalink · Comments (2)
Children | Food/Drink | Humor

How Nancy Pelosi Is Not, Unfortunately, Ellen Ripley

Ripley and her baby

**Welcome Jules Crittenden readers. When done with this post feel free to check out the rest of Tammy Blog.**

Perhaps believing that the November election indicated that some sort of mass madness had gripped every single American, Leftists on capitol Hill today cried in shock when police arrested them after they announced they were invading Nancy Peloser's office. Why? They wanted to take it over to show their displeasure with the fact that the Democrat Party leadership is undermining the troops and this nation just a tad too slowly for their Let's-All-Fail-Hate-Ourselves-And-Be-As-Miserable-As-Humanly-Possible side of the aisle.

Pelosi and her Code-Pink babies

You see, when their Comrades in Portland burned a soldier effigy it was meant to be the Super Public Special Demonstration Order Number 9 informing Nancy that the Moonbat Dem Party base expected Congress to abandon the troops, proclaim to the world No-Confidence in our military, while giving aid and comfort to the enemy by giving them a surrender timetable, and then actually set the troops on fire, as quickly as possible, like right now.

As it is, the only thing the Dems left out of their Cut-and-Run Budget bill was the burning-them-alive part, so what's with the complaint?

Watching this desperate scenario play out between moonbat groups like Code Pink and today's Democrat leadership is very much like watching the part in Alien Resurrection when Ripley realizes that the new Alien Queen, about to give birth, is actually her own daughter/clone/monstrous creation.

Speaker Pelosi might want to watch that film just for the reminder that, when it comes to monsters from your own loins, only one of two things will happen--it will destroy you or you have to open the hatch and hope it gets sucked out into space. Or, in Nancy's case, hope it disappears into one of those Medical Marijuana stores in San Francisco.

Nancy Pelosi's very big problem, of course, is that she is not Ellen Ripley. Which simply means the next 18 months are going to require a lot more popcorn than I ever imagined.