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Satire/Absurdity Archives

Mi Casa es Su Casa

A post by Pat

It's a federal crime to rent your house to a human smuggler. You could lose your property. I came across this story about the government choosing not to seize these "drop houses" because there is no equity in the house given the decline in the housing market. I got to thinking about the irony of this situation.

The human who was smuggled in by the human smuggler, i.e., the illegal immigrant, could theoretically have gotten a subprime mortgage to buy the house that was confiscated from the owner because the owner rented to the smuggler who brought the illegal into the country. That whole subprime thing is all broken now so there is talk about coming to the aid of the "victims" of predatory lenders. It is therefore possible that the human who was smuggled in can continue living in the house that was confiscated from the owner who rented to the human smuggler and the erstwhile owner of the confiscated house will pick up the tab for the bad mortgage so the person who was at the center of all the associated crimes can live trouble free in his house.

What a country.

Posted by Pat · September 22, 2008 04:43 PM · Permalink  · Comments (1)
Border Security | Immigration | Just Wrong | Pat Post | Satire/Absurdity

Bigfoot Found?

A post by Maynard

BIGFOOT BODY FOUND - EVIDENCE AND DNA DETAILS TO BE PRESENTED AT A PRESS CONFERENCE ON FRIDAY, AUGUST 15th FROM 12 N00N TO 1:00PM AT THE CABANA HOTEL-PALO ALTO IN PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA

I guess this website, SearchingForBigfoot.com, is authoritative in stating the claim.

Skeptics have noted a similarity between the picture of the dead Bigfoot and this Halloween costume.

I'm betting on the skeptics.

Update: It seems the man promoting this Bigfoot event is Tom Biscardi, who made a similar claim three years ago and then backtracked. Read the full story here.

[In 2005] Biscardi claimed his group had captured one of the creatures and he would be presenting photos of it on Monday. Coleman said over the weekend one of Biscardi's associates posted in a blog that the capture story was a hoax. "This man is a Las Vegas promoter," and his actions speak louder than words, Coleman commented....

...[Later] Tom Biscardi offered an explanation and apology related to his earlier claims that he had a Bigfoot in captivity. He now says he was misled by an acquaintance of his colleague, Peggy Marx. The acquaintance, who lives in Stagecoach, Nevada, had told them of an injured Bigfoot that was being cared for by two veterinarians. As the details of her story began to unravel, Biscardi said he eventually concluded that her reports were false...

...Biscardi's story just got more fantastic, saying an Indian shot an injured Nevada reservation Bigfoot with arrows, that after the male was captured, a female was also taken into captivity, and that one of the vets treating it or them, "kidnapped" it or them. Reportedly, this "kidnapped" Bigfoot is right now being kept in one of two warehouses in Clearlake, California, just down the road from a grocery store....

So I doubt we'll be getting any closer to Bigfoot than the promoter's ShoppingForBigfoot.com site.

Click "more" to see the body and costume pictures.

Read More »

Posted by Maynard · August 13, 2008 07:10 PM · Permalink  · Comments (4)
Animal Issues | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Open Letter to Barack Obama

Mr. College Man, the Better Arkyteck of Our Lives

From some clodhopper in a Small Town who pulled his head out of Bitter long enough to send me an email.

To: tammyblog
Subject: My State's As Red As My Neck
Date: Sun, 13 Apr 2008 12:02:32 -0400

My hands is so sore from draggin’ my knuckles that I caint rightly hold onta my scripture book or my shootin’ arn and I caint neither get my hood over my head. And I’m a bitter one I is. Please Mr. College Man tell me what I needz to do. I knowz now cuz a you tellin’ me that the Govmint is my one true Savior. You’re an audacious hopin’ man so I’ll stop takin’ care of my own life and I’ll hand them reins over to y’all in Warshington cuz y’all know what’s better for us than we does ourselves. You kin be the arkyteck of my life and I’ll just be settin’ here out by the cement pond a waitin’ fer all them Govmint checks. They all’ll know me, I’m the one what’s got more elbows than teeth. Thank y’all.

P.S. Gomer and Goober say Hey

Indeed.

Related Post:

You Small Town, Bitter, Ignorant Reactionary Rednecks, You

Posted by Tammy · April 13, 2008 11:31 AM · Permalink  · Comments (9)
Politics | Satire/Absurdity

Beowulf

"Did you bring a search warrant?"

Maynard goes to the movies

Beowulf is a movie based upon the eponymous epic poem dating back to the 8th century, and describing events in 5th-century Scandinavia. It's an ancient tale of illegal immigrants and terrorists.

Although mainstream media scrupulously avoids use of the "V-word", we all understand that modern terrorism is mainly perpetrated by marauding Vikings. In a twist of terrible irony, this story begins with a reprisal raid against the Vikings by Grendel, an illegal immigrant and anchor baby whose family had long been persecuted by the Danish monarchy. The ACLU and San Francisco Supervisors had declared Heorot a sanctuary, and an uneasy peace prevailed for a while. Then the immigrants raised objections to the Danish practice of drinking mead and making merry with barmaids and interns. This provoked an unfortunate wave of decapitations. King Hrothgar, an evil old pagan lecher, summoned Beowulf, a merciless mercenary, to put down the uprising and prop up his brutal regime. Thus the stage is set for a great conflict.

In spite of the sordid subject material, Tammy expressed an interest in seeing Beowulf after hearing a rumor that Angelina Jolie is depicted nude. I don't want to crush anyone's illusions, but this claim is false. Angelina does not appear nude. The alert observer will note that she is in fact wearing high-heeled shoes. This is, after all, a PG-13 movie (don't ask me how they pulled that one off), and certain standards must be maintained.

But seriously, I enjoyed the film and would recommend it. Reviews have been mixed but tilting positive (see Metacritic). Don't click to the following Wikipedia sites until after you've seen the film, unless you're unconcerned about spoilers, but here's a rundown on the movie itself as well as the epic poem.

Let me say a word about Robert Zemeckis, the director. Zemeckis has a hugely impressive record, and anything he does is worth checking out. His films tend to be on the absolute leading edge of cinema technology. And, even more notably, they aren't just about special effects. He uses the newest tools to tell a story as it should be told and not just to show off. In that sense, he's a visionary and a trailblazer as well as a crowd-pleaser.

"Beowulf" is rated PG-13. Much of the material is violent or playfully bawdy, leaving me wondering how they avoided the R rating. I'd say it's suitable for today's (forgive the oxymoron) mature teens, but it's close enough to being over the line that concerned parents might want to check it out first before sending in the young ones. Note that it is screened in 3D in some theaters.

Posted by Maynard · December 4, 2007 07:04 PM · Permalink  · Comments (5)
History | Hollywood/Films | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

It's SuperChavez!

A post by Maynard

Am I the first person to notice that this goofball seems to be auditioning for the lead role in Pixar's The Incredibles (which, by the way, is a wonderful family film)?

Chavez, who is threatening to shut off oil to the US if he doesn't get elected president-for-life, was lately told by the King of Spain, "¿Por qué no te callas?", which perhaps loses something in translation. (See the exchange on YouTube.) (In spite of his big mouth, Chavez maintains a cadre of useful idiot admirers on moonbat left, such as Sean Penn and Danny Glover and Harry Belafonte. He also is buying a lot of friends with oil money, but I'm guessing that those "friends" will turn against him when the checks stop coming.)

When shopping for gas, remember that Citgo stations are owned by Petróleos de Venezuela.

Update: Good news. The voters of Venezuela have followed the lead of King Juan Carlos and told Mr. Chavez to shut up.

Posted by Maynard · December 1, 2007 08:11 PM · Permalink  · Comments (8)
Leftists | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity | Tyrants

Bad Girls, Then and Now

A note by Maynard

Some observers wring their hands at the West's ever-rising tide of in-your-face depravity. Certainly a civil society has never seen anything like this before!

If it makes you feel any better, celebrity misbehavior is nothing new. Britney Spears, pictured above left, ventures into town wearing boots and a shirt but no pants. But Britney is merely following the lead of old-school feminist Daisy Duck (right), who pioneered the pantless style 'way back in the 1940's.

Life imitates art. And the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Posted by Maynard · October 19, 2007 10:31 PM · Permalink  · Comments (5)
Culture Note | Fashion | History | Humor | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Presidential Health

A post by Maynard

Tammy's post about GWB's Lyme disease made me wonder about presidential health in general. Here's an interesting site, and I can't vouch for its accuracy, but a seemingly-learned gentleman writing under the pen name of "Dr. Zebra" has compiled a comprehensive historical list of presidential maladies. (Perusing this list makes me wonder how any of these men, or indeed any of us at all, survive infancy.)

With respect to Bill Clinton's health...I have a vague memory of an allegation that Clinton kept his medical records under wraps, leading to sinister speculation about unseemly details, such as STDs or drug use. I'm not saying I necessarily believe any of this is true; I'm just recollecting the word on the street. I also seem to recall Paula Jones' statement that Mr. Clinton's member presented a "distinguishing characteristic"; an allegation that led to some interesting speculations, such as the possibility of Peyronie's disease. But was Jones telling the truth? Personally I thought the solution would be to challenge her to pick Clinton out of a lineup of naked men with bags on their heads. But as usual, nobody followed my sage advice. (Jones later took — and passed — a lie detector test for a TV show.)

And now you know the rest of the story.

Posted by Maynard · August 9, 2007 11:42 PM · Permalink  · Comments (0)
Health & Fitness | History | Maynard Post | Politics | Satire/Absurdity

What did happen at Roswell?

A post by Maynard

The many rumors regarding the flying disc became a reality yesterday when the intelligence officer of the 509th Bomb Group of the Eighth Air Force, Roswell Army Air Field, was fortunate enough to gain possession of a disc...
—from an army press release of July 8, 1947

This week celebrates the 60th anniversary of whatever happened at Roswell, New Mexico in July of 1947.

There are various claims and counter-claims about what went down at Roswell. But the noteworthy aspect of this incident was that something really did fall out of the sky, and it was initially proclaimed by officials to be an extraterrestrial vehicle. Subsequent government clarifications asserted the wreckage was actually the debris of a weather balloon, and ultimately the entire event was officially attributed to Project Mogul, a then-top-secret high-altitude monitor for global atomic tests. The Project Mogul balloon was a weird high-tech contraption that appeared to be of unearthly origin.

I'm inclined to accept the mundane explanation. But it's interesting to note how the outlandish stories become ever-more colorful as time passes. In recent months, the deathbed confession of Lieutenant Walter Haut has surfaced. This is the man who was the public relations officer at the army base in 1947, and who was responsible for the original press release that loosed the story upon the world.

Later this week, the public will converge upon the Roswell UFO Festival, July 5 through 8. My personal advice: While you're in the vicinity, drop in at Carlsbad Caverns National Park, and take an amazing underground tour.

I'll close with the note that Al Gore was born March 31, 1948. As everyone knows, space aliens have a special affinity for Earth females, which leads to a number of regrettable abductions and seductions. If the aliens did indeed visit Earth in early July of 1947...well, you do the math. This would explain a lot of things.

Posted by Maynard · July 4, 2007 01:33 PM · Permalink  · Comments (6)
Maynard Post | Outer Space | Satire/Absurdity

Hamas Steals Arafat's Nobel Peace Prize

A Hamas interior decorator carefully adjusts pictures of Arafat and Abbas

A post by Maynard

Hamas militiamen today broke into the home of the deceased PA chairman Yasser Arafat and stole his peace prize.

For anyone who doubted that Hamas is run by thugs and morons, the argument is now ended. This violent criminal act is completely pointless. If Hamas had been willing to wait just a few months, the Nobel committee would have awarded them their own peace prize.

Posted by Maynard · June 17, 2007 12:43 AM · Permalink  · Comments (6)
Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity | Tyrants | War on Radical Islam

Is Spiderman Gay?

Too bad Spiderman wasn't around when we messed up in Eden

Maynard's cinematic philosophizing

I finally got around to seeing Spiderman 3. The reviews were mildly positive, but the only opinion that matters is mine, right? And I mostly agree; the movie is good but not great.

An underlying theme is a vaguely metaphorical battle between the masculine and feminine faces of humanity. Aunt May speaks up for the one extreme, as she constantly urges Peter to turn the other cheek and abandon his anger. (The deceased Uncle Ben seemed of a similar mindset; I am beginning to develop a theory about why this couple was childless.)

On the flip side, there's that cool black suit, which releases all those nasty testosterone-driven urges. Hoo Hah!

It's not surprising that this movie, emerging from the liberal bias that infests Hollywood, tilts strongly femme. But take heart; there's enough arse-kicking to make this castrated ideology forgivable if not forgettable. The words may reinforce the pussycats, but the deeds back the tomcats. I guess in that sense, it's a philosophical smorgasbord. Or maybe this is just Hollywood manipulation, or pandering, or confusion, or even genuine ambivalence. Or all of the above.

I'm flashing back to the Team America movie, with its infamous "There are three kinds of people" soliloquy. Now there was a solid worldview! It was wrapped, of course, in the characteristic South Park cocoon of vulgarity. This was a dramatic plea for collaboration between the masculine and the feminine, that they may muster their resources in the essential battle against evil. I think this is how God would have us behave. (This is not to opine that God would wholeheartedly endorse South Park, you understand. But the world is a complex tapestry.)

Yes, Team America is what you might call "fair and balanced", whereas Spiderman has something of an agenda. Well, that's okay. I appreciate that Spiderman is a conflicted guy. This makes him more human and accessible to us.

Or am I taking this all too seriously?

Posted by Maynard · June 12, 2007 02:50 PM · Permalink  · Comments (8)
Hollywood/Films | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity | Social Commentary

Liberating Paris

A post by Maynard

Did you catch the anguished scream interrupting the Superior Court spokesman's announcement that Paris Hilton was headed back to the pokey? It's the climax of this CNN newsclip:

ALAN PARACHINI: The judge heard arguments, he heard out the County Council's Office, representing the Sheriff, he heard the defense, he heard the City Attorney. He ruled that he was remanding Ms Hilton to the Sheriff's custody to serve the remainder of her sentence at the Century Regional Detention Center.

MAN (yelling): No, no, no, no, no, no!

WOMAN: Shut up!

The gentleman who yelled was waving a sign proclaiming, "Liberate Paris". It turns out he's a writer for late night TV talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. He'd injected himself into the press corps, awaiting the opportunity to satirize the proceedings. The resulting chorus of groans and "shut up!"s might indicate that some of the participants took this farce a tad more seriously than a sane person would.

In Maynard's humble opinion, this event is a circus, and it highlights some of the deficiencies of our criminal justice system. I'm not holding my breath waiting for reform to happen, but it's worth remembering that things aren't quite as they should be.

Posted by Maynard · June 8, 2007 10:54 PM · Permalink  · Comments (2)
Corruption | Crime | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity | Social Commentary

3 Days in the Paris Hilton

A post by Maynard

In a perverse way, I'm thankful for celebrity antics. As stupid and demeaning as it is to discuss these things, they serve to create a brief diversion from the real issues, sort of like a visit to the zoo is a diversion from real life. We are reminded that, in spite of our most dire fears, the world hasn't yet come to an end.

The other day, Anne Heche, ex-beau of Ellen DeGeneres and ex-disciple of the god "Celestia" (by the way, Heche's middle name is "Celeste", so the incident seems a bit narcissistic), filed for divorce from husband Coley Laffoon. In court papers, Heche alleged that she can "no longer ignore an escalating pattern in Coley's behavior, including a particular preoccupation with sexually graphic material and masturbation." Isn't it great to live in a celebrity fishbowl?

I won't bother to point you to the latest update about Paris Hilton, who is getting credit for 5 days in jail even though she was only there for 3 days (she gets a day's credit for arriving before 11:59pm the first non-day and leaving after 12:01am the final non-day, plus the 3 "real" days in between). But Mike Straka's wrongly (as it turned out) optimistic "GRRR!" column written on her first day in custody is interesting. In part:

Believe it or not, there's more hope for Hilton to come out of her stint in jail an older and wiser heiress than for Lindsay to come out of the Promises Residential Treatment Center clean and sober.

With no phone, no instant access to media and 23 hours a day in solitary confinement, Hilton will have no choice but to reflect on her life. She will also, presumably, meet some real hard-luck cases during her stay in the clink, and that is where Paris will do most of her growing up.

In jail she's going to meet women who would chew up and spit out the likes of most of her "hard luck" friends, but more importantly, she's going to see a part of this world that most of us only know from movies and television, and that's where she'll come out, hopefully, ahead of the game.

Nice try, Mike. I, too, would like to think individuals sometimes learn from their encounters with adversity. But not, apparently, in this case. You'd do well to heed the always-wise counsel of Yogi Berra: "Never make predictions. Especially about the future."

Posted by Maynard · June 7, 2007 02:13 PM · Permalink  · Comments (4)
Celebrity | Just Plain Stupid | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Comic Relief!

A post by Maynard

Can we get some comic relief here? I don't know about you guys and gals, but I need a break. The news is just too overwhelming. Looked at from the most dire point of view, it seems not impossible that George Bush will ultimately leave Iraq as a puppet, rather than an adversary, of a nuclear Iran. On the home front, after a failed attempt to reform Social Security, he'll dump 20 million new resident aliens into the system, assuring that Social Security and Medicare will bankrupt the nation even sooner than had previously been projected. This on top of his unfunded trillion-dollar prescription drug giveaway program to seniors.

As if the foregoing weren't bad enough, all of George Bush's failings will be blamed on "conservatives", and future voters will have a knee-jerk reaction against all things "conservative". That George Bush is "conservative" is one of those facts that everybody knows, but if everybody didn't already know it, I don't know how they'd figure it out.

However...the foregoing comments are speculative, and history may play out in a more benign scenario. There is an ebb and flow to world events, and at some points the tide is moving against you and you're not going to make much progress no matter what you do. It may turn out that George Bush has set us on a difficult but unavoidable course, as we re-orient to deal with global dependence upon a hostile and unstable Mid-East, as well as the rising power of China. There are treacherous waters ahead no matter who the captain is, and make no mistake about that.

My gosh, why did you let me get started on all that stuff? I promised comic relief, and now I'm wound up all over again Okay, here goes. Is everybody ready for a group hug? No, just kidding! We don't need a hug; we need some cathartic violence! I'd like to beat up a politician (I'm speaking metaphorically; please don't send the Secret Service to my door!), but there aren't any politicians nearby. But beating on a telemarketer is almost as good!

Okay, first let me warn you that some may find the following humor offensive. Sensitive souls will avoid clicking the "more" button. For the rest of you who would like to spit food through your nose, follow me.

Read More »

Posted by Maynard · May 27, 2007 12:00 AM · Permalink  · Comments (3)
Fed Incompetence | Humor | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Cat Escapes From Commie China!

A post by Maynard

She eluded Chinese authorities and carefully read the labels on all the shipping containers until she identified a package that would carry her to America, where she intended to make her new home.

China the Cat told CATNews that she was glad George Bush was president, because he wasn't going to send her back to prison like Bill Clinton did with Elián González. "I'm a cat of color," she explained, "but you see how I've been ignored by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. It seems that my anti-Communist stance renders me felina non grata."

When asked to comment, Jesse Jackson questioned China's credentials as a dilute tortie, while Sharpton dismissed her as an "Uncle Tomcat".

Posted by Maynard · May 12, 2007 01:18 PM · Permalink  · Comments (4)
Animal Issues | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

International Respect for Chickens Day

A post by Maynard

The chicken rights activists at United Poultry Concerns have declared May 4 to be International Respect for Chickens Day.

Pictured above is the memorial statue of Roscoe the Rooster in Takoma Park, Maryland. This was taken at the massive chicken parade and rally in 2005. The text on the plaque reads:

ROSCOE
1989-1999
This free-spirited rooster, who chose to live in our town, was fed and protected by Alan Daugharthy and Alma Keating, and brought joy into our urban lives.

You may be wondering why a town would build a memorial statue of a chicken. The Takoma Park Newsletter of July, 1999 reported the tale of Roscoe's commemoration:

Takoma Park citizens have begun a drive to raise money for a memorial to Roscoe the Rooster, whose smug and sure-footed strutting around the main streets of the city ended abruptly under the wheels of a vehicle in February.... The rooster, said to be both loved and hated by the citizenry who were exposed to Roscoe's crowings, lived in the back yard of a rooming house situated near Mark's Kitchen on Carroll Avenue, Takoma Park's main street. He was struck and killed by a hit-and-run driver near the intersection of Carroll and Laurel Avenues Feb. 15.

Read More »

Posted by Maynard · May 4, 2007 01:19 AM · Permalink  · Comments (4)
Animal Issues | Maynard Post | Outer Space | Satire/Absurdity

Flashback: The Day Jimmy Carter Was Attacked by a Rabbit

A post by Maynard

It was April 20, 1979, exactly 28 years ago, and Jimmy Carter was celebrating Adolf Hitler's 90th birthday and quietly contemplating his recent triumph in convincing the Shah of Iran to relinquish power to the collection of genocidal maniacs who have gone on to promote war and terrorism against the West. Perhaps Jimmy, out of concern for his reputation, was already planning to write his book in which he would blame those pesky Israelis. But for the moment, all he wanted to do was paddle lazily down the stream. And so he did...until the rabbit attacked.

It is a matter of historical record that Jimmy Carter is the only president ever to be attacked by a rabbit. Does one need to ask why? No doubt the rabbit was expecting a negotiated settlement. It seemed a likely prospect, considering whom he was dealing with. But Jimmy, for the first and only time in his life, decided that this challenge should be answered by violence. No, not even a pause to issue a strongly-worded letter. Jimmy simply grabbed his paddle and whacked away until his adversary fled in terror. Bravely done, Mr. Carter! Bravo!

The Secret Service photographed the incident, and thus it passed into history. You can see the pictures and read a less vitriolic account in Wikipedia and elsewhere.

Posted by Maynard · April 20, 2007 12:55 AM · Permalink  · Comments (7)
Animal Issues | Balls, Lack Of | History | Jew-Hatred | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity | War on Radical Islam

Grindhouse

Maynard goes to the movies

On Wednesday's show, Tammy briefly skewered this film, juxtaposing its excessive violence against the murderous rampage at Virginia Tech, and touching on the cultural degradation and normalization of the unspeakable. She was pleased to note its poor box office performance, citing this as a sign that Americans are rising above such toxic rubbish.

How can I respond to that? Do I dare defend that which is indefensible and promote that which is vile?

If I were smart, I'd hold my peace. But against my better judgment, here goes.

Everything Tammy said about Grindhouse is true. It is vile, vulgar, and low. It is violent, degrading, and disgusting. It's filled with shootings, decapitations, dismemberments, chases, crashes, and explosions, punctuated by occasional interludes of lust and melodrama.

If you take it at face value, you'll condemn it, and rightly so. Many reasonable people will see it in these terms, and who am I to argue with reasonable people? But I will say this...

Read More »

Posted by Maynard · April 19, 2007 03:15 PM · Permalink  · Comments (2)
Cultural Commentary | Hollywood/Films | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

The Aftermath of Katrina

A tongue-in-cheek post by Maynard

In keeping with the spirit of April 1, I think this is an appropriate occasion to link to the following article about Democrat response to Katrina. Here is a compelling commentary by Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi.

If the foregoing leaves you in an uncertain state of mind, take a moment to investigate this follow-up article.

If you still don't "get it"...well, please accept my apology. When April 2 rolls around, the posts might be less erratic.

Posted by Maynard · April 1, 2007 03:43 AM · Permalink  · Comments (1)
Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Maynard's Confession: I Am A Foolish Crackpot!

Maynard acknowledges his limitations

Whew! It's quite a relief to get that off my chest. I just couldn't carry the pretense any further.

I hope my new status as a public crackpot won't result in my ejection from the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. The fact is, I joined the Conspiracy specifically because I'm a crackpot. Indeed, when the final truth is ultimately made known, I think many of us shall stand revealed as crackpots.

"Maynard!", I hear you ask, "whatever are you saying? Are you suggesting that we are crazier than our Vast Left-Wing counterparts?"

Rest assured, boys and girls, that is emphatically not my message. The Left is not necessarily saner or smarter (nor, for that matter, crazier or dumber) than the Right. Really, whatever intellectual/temperamental differences exist between Left and Right simply are not important.

The fundamental Left/Right disparity is that the Right knows its limitations. It is precisely because we understand that we are fools and crackpots that we're willing to tolerate the peccadilloes of others. We are not driven to tax and regulate and control, because we know we're not up to the task.

The Left, on the other hand, believes in its omnipotence. This is their license to tell the rest of us what to do. The Left is the analogy of the passenger on the airplane who rushes to the cabin and insists on displacing the pilot. He thinks he's so smart that he's entitled to grab the controls. This is in stark contrast to the dumb guy on the Right, who understands that he doesn't own the airplane and his life depends upon letting the pilot do his job, and if he doesn't like it he can find another carrier.

If I ever come to believe that my wisdom is beyond challenge, perhaps I'll switch sides and assert control over the daily lives of my fellow citizens. But until that day comes, I hope that my own life, as silly as it is, won't become micromanaged by my betters.

Posted by Maynard · April 1, 2007 03:42 AM · Permalink  · Comments (1)
Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Viva Le Chatchi!

A (questionable) post by Maynard

I'm taking advantage of the April 1 window of absurdity to post this note. There is nothing political or social here, other than a word of support for an anonymous curmudgeon who tickled my funny bone. If you've got a taste for absurd humor, click the "more" button below. Otherwise, ignore these words, and accept my profound apology for this inappropriate diversion from our primary mission of saving the world.

Also, be warned that following the links in this note may lead to some mature (that is to say, immature) themes and languages. But, no, nothing overtly pornographic, so don't get your hopes up.

Read More »

Posted by Maynard · April 1, 2007 03:41 AM · Permalink  · Comments (0)
Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Pizza and Gold

A meander by Maynard

This comment is inspired by the Drudge link to a New York restaurant offering $1000 pizza.

How am I supposed to react to a $1000 pizza? Should I condemn the excessive waste? Should I be happy and even proud to live in a land where there's enough wealth to support such nonsense? Maybe a little of both?

In forming a judgment, there's another question I ask: Did the action under scrutiny actually consume wealth, or did it merely transfer wealth? There's a big difference.

Let's say I've decided to waste a thousand dollars in a public demonstration of my (hah!) vast wealth and status. One way I might do this would be to burn a thousand dollars in currency; alternatively I might spend that thousand dollars on gasoline and then burn the gasoline. In the first case, I haven't really consumed anything, because the currency is merely a claim against goods and services. By burning currency, I've done nothing more than relinquish my personal claim. But by buying something and then destroying it, I would be consuming to no purpose.

Read More »

Posted by Maynard · March 29, 2007 10:05 PM · Permalink  · Comments (3)
Cultural Commentary | Economy/Economics | Food/Drink | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Banning Dihydrogen Monoxide

A post by Maynard

I'm sure some of you know of the comedy duo of Penn & Teller (here's their web site and Wikipedia listing). These guys are a pair of iconoclastic troublemakers who will alternately amuse and enlighten and challenge and annoy and offend. I wouldn't say I exactly like them, but they compel us to address the underpinnings of our various faiths and dogmas, crossing the entire political and social and religious spectrums. It's a dirty job, but I'm glad to see somebody doing it in a take-no-prisoners approach.

Here's a clip from their ongoing Bulsh** documentary, which airs on the Showtime network. The boys have invaded an ecologically-oriented conference, and we see their agent making an impassioned and completely factual plea to ban the dangerous chemical, dihydrogen monoxide (which is better known to you and me as "water"). See how willing everyone is to get behind the bandwagon. It's funny and disturbing, when you consider that this is mentality that drives the political movements that set the course of the nation.

Posted by Maynard · March 8, 2007 01:05 PM · Permalink  · Comments (5)
Cultural Commentary | Environment | Maynard Post | Political Correctness | Politics | Satire/Absurdity

I Repent of my Charitable Giving!

A gripe by Maynard

I finished up the year by giving a few hundred dollars to a few charitable or political organizations that struck me as worthwhile. But now I find myself unable to wallow in my beneficence because my mailbox is suddenly filling up with appeals for a multitude of laudable causes.

What a fool I was! I got my name on THE LIST, and now the sharks have scented blood and the vultures are circling. There is no way to stem the tide, except perhaps by committing suicide. Even then, the solicitations would likely be forwarded to my next of kin or even to my cemetery.

Why do I care? Because I sense a colossal amount of waste. Paper and envelopes and postage cost money. The new trend is for the solicitor to include a return envelope complete with a 39-cent stamp. Gosh, I wouldn't want that stamp to go to waste, would I? I'd better write a check and mail it in!

I fear that every dollar I donate triggers a wave of solicitations costing a dollar and a half. In other words, the more I give, the more money I cause the supposed charities to lose. I am in effect a parasite, draining the resources of organizations that could be doing some good if they weren't so busy shaking me down.

I did my donating via credit card over the Internet. The transactions were efficient and paperless. I'd be perfectly happy to have solicitations come to me via email. It would be a nice break from the promises of weight loss and Nigerian lotteries and sexual fulfillment. But no, these people are intent on stuffing my mailbox. Email isn't good enough for them.

I have fiendish fantasies in which I make token donations to the ACLU and other despicable organizations. Then my name will go on the moonbat list, and at least my toxic footprint will be doing some good. But I'm not quite nasty enough to really do that. Also, I hate waste in general. I don't want the trees to be cut down for anybody's pointless solicitations, even if George Soros is footing the bill.

It doesn't seem right to respond by renouncing charities. But I sure wish I could avoid this wasteful nonsense.

Posted by Maynard · January 16, 2007 05:16 PM · Permalink  · Comments (7)
Cultural Commentary | Maynard Post | Satire/Absurdity

Ford: Not Eaten By Wolves

Now that the MSM, and everyone else for that matter, have moved Gerald Ford along to his next natural assumed position--Most Incredible, Genius, Compassionate, Brave, Astoundingly Honorable, Righteous, Integrity-filled, Most Best Saint of All Time--or at least as "one of history's bravest leaders," (I'm not kidding), let's remember one of SNL's funniest skits. Dana Carvey, as Tom Brokaw, tries to cover every possible way President Ford might die. No, it's not politically correct, but you weren't exactly expecting that here, or from Defamer, now were you?

Posted by Tammy · December 27, 2006 02:27 PM · Permalink  · Comments (3)
Cultural Commentary | Satire/Absurdity | Television

If Judith Regan Said It...

Judith Regan, that is, mastermind of the OJ "If I did It" book debacle, just theoretically, of course, if she was speaking with a lawyer for her publishing group, and if that lawyer was Jewish and if the head of whole HarperCollins Publishing shebang was a Jewish woman (who, not if, did just win a prestigious award), and then, if Regan complained, allegedly, about a "Jewish cabal" being out to get her, she would then know what it was like to be fired. Hypothetically.

If she said it, referring hypothetically to a Jewish conspiracy (those Jews sure are busy these days, aren't they?) then she would deny it all, via her lawyer, because, of course, it never really happened. Hypothetically, if a Jewish cabal is out to get her, all sorts of people, Jewish and otherwise probably, are out to get her. Not just the Jews. But the Australians, too. And those New Yorkers. People who work for News Corp. And lawyers. And editors. And publishers. And the press. And even regular people. There are probably Jews in there somewhere, hypothetically. If she thought about it, Jews being somewhere, and out to get her, in their cabal. Oh, and then she would declare war, via her lawyer, on those who are out to get her. If.

How is it, I wonder, that people who tend to screw up their own lives, first think Jews, who must be everywhere and all powerful, are responsible, and then manage to whine about it to the world? From the seriously deadly genocide talk of Ahmadinejad to the pathetic drunken whining of Mel Gibson and now alleged Jew-hating paranoia from Judith Regan. One must ask, if Jews are indeed as omnipotent as the Jew-haters and general losers accuse them as being, you'd think they (the All-Powerful Jews) would have the Tiny Power to keep the powerless, vulnerable despots and compassionate and sensitive publishing divas from bad-mouthing them. I mean, really, that's not a tall order. Their unstoppable universal conspiratorial power, however, seems to stop short at getting people like that to shut up.

Weird.

Related Link:

News Corp Cancels OJ Book and TV Interview

Posted by Tammy · December 18, 2006 07:40 PM ·