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A post by Maynard

I think I’m not alone in observing that Washington has become the nation’s madhouse. And although sane people would prefer to steer clear of a madhouse, in fact we can’t do that because the lunatics are making rules and decisions that cannot be ignored. So I guess we’ve got to try to talk to these people, as intimidating as the notion may seem.

But what exactly do you say to your representative in a league of madmen? That’s a tough one. I gave the subject a lot of thought and came up with the following.

Dear Congressman Dreier:

I am writing to request your assistance in surviving these trying times.

Let me open by confessing that I am a terrorist. Yes, I am a threat to the established order of the United States of America. I did not realize this until recently, when Janet Napolitano informed me of my status. I used to think I was a hard-working taxpayer, contributing in my small way to the prosperity of our great republic. But I do oppose the expansion of the Federal government, and I’ve been known to cite the Constitution in defense of my position. In response to recent events, I’ve become more vocal in expressing my concerns, and I’ve even been heard to utter phrases like “creeping fascism” in describing out-of-control growth of the State.

At first I was hurt by Ms. Napolitano’s words, and I felt she owed me an apology. Then I thought about it some and decided it was probably just political rhetoric for the purpose of rallying support against a political enemy. Honestly, I’ve never thought of myself as anyone’s enemy, but I guess that’s just the way things work, and I shouldn’t take it personally. But now, in the wake of the Uighur situation, it’s beginning to dawn on me that Janet Napolitano may have, intentionally or not, done me a great favor.

About those Uighur terrorists…pardon me, I’m not sure if we’re still using the word “terrorist”. What’s the word I should use? “Freedom fighter” is too cumbersome, and I’m fumbling for phrases like “perpetrators of man-caused disasters”, but these are hopelessly clumsy. I guess I’ll just keep saying “terrorist” for the moment, and you can clue me in on the officially approved buzzword in your response. Anyway, as I understand it, those Uighur terrorists went to Afghanistan in the wake of 9/11 to train with al-Quaeda, and they ended up in Gitmo where their cases was taken up by all those international lawyers. So now we’re paying $200 million to retire them on a tropical island.

I hope you won’t think less of me when I admit that my reaction to latest news about the Uighurs was less than Christian. I guess there’s no need for me to react as a Christian anymore, now that our president has clarified that we’re not a Christian nation, and in fact our culture has largely derived from Islamic traditions (I guess it’s true what they say about Americans being ignorant, because I did not know these things). So maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad about violating that Commandment about not coveting. Maybe my reaction is understandable and even forgivable. The thing is, I can’t afford to vacation in Bermuda. I’m struggling to keep my head above water these days, and I’m deeply concerned about my future. My savings have been devastated, and I’m not attached to a special interest group like the UAW so the president will siphon someone else’s money into my retirement account. I’ve been paying my Social Security taxes all my life, but I’m getting on in years and they’re saying all the money I paid is gone and the system will go broke at about the time I’ll be retiring. And now I find my tax dollars are paying for terrorists to go to Bermuda…well, you can see how I was getting a little stressed out.

And then I remembered Janet Napolitano’s words, and I remembered that I’m a terrorist too. And I started to think…well, you can see where I’m going with this. I’ve just been a damn fool all these years, thinking I was living a dignified existence by working my way and paying my way, but I see now I was stuck in a dream world. Can you eat dignity? Can you swim in dignity? No, you cannot. But if I give up my naïve fantasy of America and start living in the real world, then a clever fellow like me should be able to get one of those $11 million Bermuda plans. Seems to me I’m halfway there already, talking about the Constitution and everything like I already do.

I realize this is not as easy as I’m making it sound. That’s why I need your help. So many people want to become terrorists these days, but you’ve got to tread carefully to get to the properly nuanced position. If you’re not a serious terrorist, they just dismiss you as a kook and laugh at you. On the other hand, if they’ve really got the goods, you might end up in a place that’s truly unpleasant. I don’t mean Gitmo, which was supposed to be pretty nice after they eased up on the waterboarding, especially with the catered meals and religious tolerance. But I wouldn’t want to be sent to South Philadelphia.

You see how I’m going to need legal help to properly navigate these waters, so as to be classified as one of the Bermuda-bound terrorists. I’m not sure if the Congress has any input into the law anymore or whether that’s all been taken over by Mr. Obama and those new Czars (I’ve lost count of the Czars…I remember they started with a Bank Czar and a Car Czar, and then they were getting small stuff like a Czar of Cow Farts, and I gave up trying to remember them all), but I figure at least you’re still good for some sound advice. I guess I have to start by renouncing my citizenship, so as to give myself some international status. But what exactly do I have to do to be taken seriously? I’m guessing that my citing the Constitution or voting for John McCain is enough to put me on the watch list, but not enough to get me to Bermuda, or at least not yet. So can you help me enhance my status just a tad? I remember how, in the old days, people called their Congressman to help get their son into a West Point or that sort of thing. Well, as the song goes, the times are a-changin’, and like it or not, we’ve got to change with them. The path I was on was a slow descent into penury, and I’m glad I saw the light before it’s too late.

Mr. Dreier, I’ve consistently voted for you, and I’ll be genuinely sorry to lose you as my representative. But I’ll be thinking of you and the folks back home while I’m lounging on the shores of Bermuda, working on my tan and ogling the beautiful people and drinking those exotic cocktails with little parasols in them. I’ll send you a picture of how great everything is, and you can use it in your next campaign to show how you’re working to enhance the lives of ordinary citizens. So I think this will work out pretty well for both of us.

Thanks ever so much for your attention. I’ll be anxiously waiting for your response.

Sincerely,

Maynard G. Krebs