A post by Maynard
A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
I got the mailer from the government reminding me the census form is coming.
You’ve heard the various gripes about the racial questions. But if you’re concerned about government prying into your private life (e.g., how do you get to work? how many toilets do you have?), you’ll be happy to know the Democrats blocked a proposed change to inquire whether you’re an American citizen. Thus, with the tabulated census data being used to allocate Congressional districts, we can look forward to overrepresentation by “sanctuary” districts, and underrepresentation by districts that respect the law. Therefore, your ideal situation will be to relocate yourself to a district where you’re the only American citizen; that way you get to be a Congressman.
I’ve got a crazy fantasy of making up a fake census form and sending it to everyone I know. It will ask really bizarre questions (e.g., when was the last time you had nasal sex? what is your great-grandmother’s blood type? have you ever thrown up in your car?), and include a return envelope for B. Hussein Obamma at 1600 Penisylvania Avenue. Naturally the recipient will be warned that he or she is required to answer under penalty of law.
I’m not sure how I’m going to fill out my census form. Will I withhold information that the government has no legal basis to ask? Will I goof on the answers, just because I’m just a goofy guy? Will I play it straight? Or maybe just throw the thing in the trash? I don’t know.
Maybe I should throw a die to determine my race. One means I’m white; two means I’m yellow; three means I’m red; four makes me a, you know, knee-grow; five says I’m from Beta Reticula; and six is “other”. I guess I could classify myself as “American” or “human”, but that would probably get me visited by an angry Janet Napoleonitano.
For random paperwork, I used to list my profession as “pimp”, but these days I favor “community organizer”.
I will note that, if you happen to live in a sensible part of the world, it’s good if the census finds a lot of people in your region so you’ll get more representation. On the other hand, if you live in a lunatic district, you want the count to be low. (It seems that lunacy follows me wherever I go. I am apparently a magnet for it.)
If they send the SEIU thugs to check me out, I’ll shout through the door that I’ve been quarantined with tuberculosis, and I’m under medical orders not to leave the residence or come in contact with anyone. Then I’ll go take a nap.
These are my preliminary thoughts. I hardly need mention they’re more than a bit muddled. Hopefully Tammy and other helpful people will assist me in getting my head straight before I take pen in hand.