Maynard blathers on about something or other
They told me there was a SotU speech tonight. I didn’t watch it. Why should I? I don’t care what politicians say; I care what they do. It strikes me as more than a little terrifying that voters make up their minds based upon speeches. That’s crazy, especially when you’ve got a guy that’s just spent two years doing the polar opposite of what he promised. What did he tell us in order to get our votes? Consensus, transparency, fiscal responsibility, no more earmarks, no more lobbyists, no more kicking the can down the road and leaving a mess for the next guy to clean up, peace in the Middle East, health care for all (except illegal aliens), lots of green jobs, blah blah blah. And what do we get? The biggest payoffs to the cronies and special interests in the history of the world. Send the bill to the unborn, since they’re not a potent voting block. We’ve got unemployment, we’ve got an endless mortgage crisis, we’ve got environmental disasters, we’ve got appeasements for every enemy of America, we’ve got a proliferation of czars, many of whom are certifiable lunatics, we’re under sentence of death by bureaucratic micromanagement. But, Oh!, what a pretty speech! If America falls for this, we deserve the reaming we’ve been getting and can look forward to a lot more of.
Anyway, it was frustrating enough to know the speech was going on, and “everyone” said it was going to be a good speech, and well received. Who am I to argue with “everyone”? I had to take a drink or two. Damn you, Obama, I was clean and sober for a couple days, and now this had to happen. Worse than that, I went drunk-bidding on eBay, and won one auction (fortunately, another drunk bidder outbid me on another item). That’s $18 you owe me, Obama. On top of the $14 trillion national debt. See how it adds up?
What do you do in times like this? Darned if I know! As I said, I’m not watching the speeches. At some level, one must be philosophical. Whatever will be will be. The question isn’t what’s going to happen, but what I’m supposed to do. I don’t have the power to save the world, but neither am I permitted to ignore it (except for those brief interludes when I’ve been indulging in medicinal ethanol).
Speaking of (ahem!) brief interludes…I don’t want to talk about Obama anymore. I want to talk about underwear. Historically I’ve gotten my underwear from J.C. Penney’s. Used to be good old American underwear from the American heartland. But these days, the underwear comes from Honduras or the like. And that’s not right.
What will happen if there’s a crisis or a war? Isn’t underwear a strategic item? Where will we get our underwear when the apocalypse hits? No, I think it’s definitely in the national interest that we develop domestic sources of underwear. My gosh, a nation without underwear is not a nation. As the unwise man recently observed, we are defined, not by our borders, but by our shorts.
Anyway, I looked around and found this source of domestic underwear. I’m wearing some now. Proudly made by union members in Union House of Union City. Or something like that. Also — and I’m sure there will be mixed feelings on this point — you’ll find this particular underwear offering to be workmanlike rather than homoerotic. As a utilitarian and a man of simple tastes, this approach to sales pleases me, although I know a few out there (I’m not going to name names) will feel let down.
I must inject a note of caution at this point. The proof of the underwear is in the wearing. Will the elastic fall off? Will the fabric shrink and fall apart? Will you find invisible hands giving you a wedgie throughout the day? Such incidents would more than negate the virtue of supporting the homeland. I’m a patriot, but there are limits to the magnitude of the sacrifice I’ll make for my country. At this point, all I can say is: So far, so good. But I don’t yet have the data to give this underwear my unqualified recommendation.
Also, of course, the critical question remains: Boxers or briefs? To be honest, I’d never thought about this too much. I’ve always done whatever I did the last time around. I recall that the question was famously put to Bill Clinton during his presidential campaign. Candidate Clinton was said to pause thoughtfully and then answer, “Ummm, Depends™.” Just kidding. Clinton did answer the question, but I forget what he said. I should find out and do exactly the same; maybe some of that old Clinton magic would rub off on the socially malignant Maynard. Obama, when asked the same question, gave a more reasonable answer: “I don’t answer those humiliating questions.” This is worth mentioning because it was the first, and the last, sensible thing Obama ever said.