Maynard blathers on about something or other

They told me there was a SotU speech tonight. I didn’t watch it. Why should I? I don’t care what politicians say; I care what they do. It strikes me as more than a little terrifying that voters make up their minds based upon speeches. That’s crazy, especially when you’ve got a guy that’s just spent two years doing the polar opposite of what he promised. What did he tell us in order to get our votes? Consensus, transparency, fiscal responsibility, no more earmarks, no more lobbyists, no more kicking the can down the road and leaving a mess for the next guy to clean up, peace in the Middle East, health care for all (except illegal aliens), lots of green jobs, blah blah blah. And what do we get? The biggest payoffs to the cronies and special interests in the history of the world. Send the bill to the unborn, since they’re not a potent voting block. We’ve got unemployment, we’ve got an endless mortgage crisis, we’ve got environmental disasters, we’ve got appeasements for every enemy of America, we’ve got a proliferation of czars, many of whom are certifiable lunatics, we’re under sentence of death by bureaucratic micromanagement. But, Oh!, what a pretty speech! If America falls for this, we deserve the reaming we’ve been getting and can look forward to a lot more of.

Anyway, it was frustrating enough to know the speech was going on, and “everyone” said it was going to be a good speech, and well received. Who am I to argue with “everyone”? I had to take a drink or two. Damn you, Obama, I was clean and sober for a couple days, and now this had to happen. Worse than that, I went drunk-bidding on eBay, and won one auction (fortunately, another drunk bidder outbid me on another item). That’s $18 you owe me, Obama. On top of the $14 trillion national debt. See how it adds up?

What do you do in times like this? Darned if I know! As I said, I’m not watching the speeches. At some level, one must be philosophical. Whatever will be will be. The question isn’t what’s going to happen, but what I’m supposed to do. I don’t have the power to save the world, but neither am I permitted to ignore it (except for those brief interludes when I’ve been indulging in medicinal ethanol).

Speaking of (ahem!) brief interludes…I don’t want to talk about Obama anymore. I want to talk about underwear. Historically I’ve gotten my underwear from J.C. Penney’s. Used to be good old American underwear from the American heartland. But these days, the underwear comes from Honduras or the like. And that’s not right.

What will happen if there’s a crisis or a war? Isn’t underwear a strategic item? Where will we get our underwear when the apocalypse hits? No, I think it’s definitely in the national interest that we develop domestic sources of underwear. My gosh, a nation without underwear is not a nation. As the unwise man recently observed, we are defined, not by our borders, but by our shorts.

Anyway, I looked around and found this source of domestic underwear. I’m wearing some now. Proudly made by union members in Union House of Union City. Or something like that. Also — and I’m sure there will be mixed feelings on this point — you’ll find this particular underwear offering to be workmanlike rather than homoerotic. As a utilitarian and a man of simple tastes, this approach to sales pleases me, although I know a few out there (I’m not going to name names) will feel let down.

I must inject a note of caution at this point. The proof of the underwear is in the wearing. Will the elastic fall off? Will the fabric shrink and fall apart? Will you find invisible hands giving you a wedgie throughout the day? Such incidents would more than negate the virtue of supporting the homeland. I’m a patriot, but there are limits to the magnitude of the sacrifice I’ll make for my country. At this point, all I can say is: So far, so good. But I don’t yet have the data to give this underwear my unqualified recommendation.

Also, of course, the critical question remains: Boxers or briefs? To be honest, I’d never thought about this too much. I’ve always done whatever I did the last time around. I recall that the question was famously put to Bill Clinton during his presidential campaign. Candidate Clinton was said to pause thoughtfully and then answer, “Ummm, Depends™.” Just kidding. Clinton did answer the question, but I forget what he said. I should find out and do exactly the same; maybe some of that old Clinton magic would rub off on the socially malignant Maynard. Obama, when asked the same question, gave a more reasonable answer: “I don’t answer those humiliating questions.” This is worth mentioning because it was the first, and the last, sensible thing Obama ever said.

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18 Comments | Leave a comment
  1. jimbo says:

    One of my favorite sayings is, “If you lie to somebody to get their money, it’s fraud. If you lie to somebody to get their vote, it’s politics.”

  2. Pangborn says:

    As for my unmentionables, I used to wear Jockeys but I stopped because the little bastards kept riding up on me. As for speeches, I love words, as you so clearly do as well. Words are wonderful things because they reliably give shape to intangible intellectual concepts. They are the building blocks of language and of human civilization itself. Words, wonderfully woven into magnificently moving speeches are capable of binding up wounds (as did Lincoln’s incomparable Gettysburg Address) and of piercing prejudiced hearts and minds (as did Atticus Finch’s plea for Tom Robinson’s innocence—not those of his jury, unfortunately, but the reader’s). And, sadly, words can be wickedly wielded in the hands of liars and tricksters who, through the most transparent slight of hand, manipulate their meaning. Thus, “terrorism” is transformed into “man-caused disaster” and “rapacious spending” shape-shifts into “investment”. George Orwell loved words too and he even gave birth to this one; “Newspeak”.

    • Maynard says:

      Yes indeed, Pangborn. In the beginning was the Word. But it’s been dicey ever since we got our hands (metaphorically speaking) on it.

      • MRFIXIT says:

        AB 962 has been nullified by a Fresno Superior Court Judge. It is unlikely to survive an appeal as it is a blatent restraint of trade. To pass muster, ammunition would have to be made illegal statewide. I hope I didn’t break the rules, but this is too good to not pass on and thre is no email contact button.

  3. KatieSilverSpring says:

    Very good, Maynard and based on this, I hope Maryland seceeds and takes Barack with them, since they love him so much.

  4. TheresaMC says:

    Best underwear rant I have ever read. Many good points.
    As for speeches…it makes one think doesn’t it? What about all this quoting we do from famous people, maybe it was just a lot of hogwash.

  5. RuBegonia says:

    Sound infrastructure is a high priority for a civilized society.

  6. Shifra says:

    Are you, by any chance, related to Seymour Glass, of “Raise High the Roofbeam, Carpenters/Seymour: An Introduction” fame? Or, maybe you are related to J.D. Salinger? Just wondering…. 🙂

  7. thierry says:

    Jean-Claude Pennét still exists?

    personally i think our future and the Union lies in that new fangled talking machine- the Victrola. so glad i saved all those 78s. as profitable as green power and the high speed rail… even now.

    i’ve been going Amish because it’s mostly my favorite color- black. all made in the USA.

    although you should be aware underwear on plain clothing sites may be called ‘Unmentionables’.

    • Maynard says:

      Gosh, there are some interesting fashion statements on that link. I think there’s a happy medium to be found somewhere betwixt the burqa (here ya go) and post-modern pantless. We do not do ourselves any favors by entirely exposing the mystery that is Woman.

      • thierry says:

        the Mystery that is the King Fung Garden’s roast peking duck is ever lasting. like rabbits, pretty much the only good use for a duck. call 24 hours ahead.

        i always find whatever is on Britt-Britt’s feet- usually the boots of the damned: Uggs- far more offensive than any of her stray parts that would be referred to in polite society as living where the bathing suit is suppose to cover. it should be noted that chastity belts for women and men are still available however posting the actual rather graphic Amazon link is sure to get this post removed. not american , not Union made, sadly. there’s definitely a niche market out there for the patriotic s/m community… ( special rental price for ” churches and schools!”)

        • Maynard says:

          Hmmm, with props like that, I worry those people may beacon away the crowds that traditionally do Civil War reenactments. I wouldn’t want to lose that bit of our American heritage. Speaking of which, I’ll stand my American rabbit against your Peking duck.

          Yes, as you note, there’s nothing you can’t buy on Amazon. The only problem is, having searched for an article of contraband, your adventurous perusals are noted down in Santa’s database, and will eventually come back to haunt you. Helpful little suggestions subsequently pop up…”Hey, I bet you’d be interested in a [fill-in-the-blank]!” This can be awkward.

  8. JuanitaDugas says:

    Am I the only one in the rabbit hole? FNC had Rangel on this morning as a tax expert….I swear I’m starting to feel hopeless, and on the verge of pulling out my hair. Screammm!!!

    • Pangborn says:

      I’m sorry to have to break this to you, Juanita, but there’s no escaping, ironically, from the political asylum. These profligate and profiteering politicians insist on believing that government is, and should ever remain, Insanity Claus.

  9. aardvark says:

    Maynard, you could pass along some of your used ones to TOTUS — then the Emperor wouldn’t be nekkid anymore 😉

    And get a tax deduction.

    FYI – great resource:

  10. naga5 says:

    oh, maynard, where do i begin…
    love the rant. i had a previous obligation, so i caught the SOTU addy post facto on the podcast. i relied on my peeps to do the work that this american wouldn’t do-listen to an elected official lie to my face. thank you tammy and TAMs. i did laugh on my drive to work.!
    maynard, you have hit upon an excellent point which i silently came to a year ago. whilst at work, i found myself in both a contemplative and excretory mood, if you catch my drift. i had recently ridiculed my canadian friends for being held hostage to being bilingual. i was in the flex position and noticed that my underwear was labeled both small AND chico. oh crap, in a double entendre sense. i quickly emailed my canadian friends and apologized.
    boxers or briefs is a question welded to personalty tests everywhere. it is up there with robe or no robe, both socks then both shoes or sock/sock then shoe/shoe or even the holier argument; salt then pepper vs. pepper then salt.
    being an “accommodating” personality, i trend towards the michael jordan boxer brief combo. but i have also found that listening to tammy for a long period of time will make you thing of what she said early on; “i’ve gone commando and that is not just a breeze you are feeling.”
    cue the tom petty song free fallin’…
    (ok, so free ballin’ is a bad high school joke from my kids. it kinda fit with maynard’s post. kinda.)

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