I had been looking at the Cho family a little sideways since the VTech atrocity. My feeling is, while Cho himself is exclusively responsible, doesn’t a family have some duty to recognize one of their own has become so dangerous? I must say, however, the statement they have now released seems heartfelt and genuine and makes me view them a bit more sympathetically. I’m curious to know what you have been thinking about his family, and whether or not you think a family should bear some burden/responsibility to keep society safe from dangerous adult family members.
AP: Va. gunman’s family feels hopeless
BLACKSBURG, Va. – The family of Virginia Tech gunman Seung-Hui Cho told The Associated Press on Friday that they feel “hopeless, helpless and lost,” and “never could have envisioned that he was capable of so much violence.”
“He has made the world weep. We are living a nightmare,” said a statement issued by Cho’s sister, Sun-Kyung Cho, on the family’s behalf.
It was the Chos’ first public comment since the 23-year-old student killed 32 people and committed suicide Monday in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history. Raleigh, N.C., lawyer Wade Smith provided the statement to the AP after the Cho family reached out to him. Smith said the family would not answer any questions, and neither would he.
“Our family is so very sorry for my brother’s unspeakable actions. It is a terrible tragedy for all of us,” said Sun-Kyung Cho, a 2004 Princeton University graduate who works as a contractor for a State Department office that oversees American aid for
Iraq.“We pray for their families and loved ones who are experiencing so much excruciating grief. And we pray for those who were injured and for those whose lives are changed forever because of what they witnessed and experienced,” she said. “Each of these people had so much love, talent and gifts to offer, and their lives were cut short by a horrible and senseless act.”…”We are humbled by this darkness. We feel hopeless, helpless and lost. This is someone that I grew up with and loved. Now I feel like I didn’t know this person,” Cho’s sister said. “We have always been a close, peaceful and loving family. My brother was quiet and reserved, yet struggled to fit in. We never could have envisioned that he was capable of so much violence.”
She said her family will cooperate fully and “do whatever we can to help authorities understand why these senseless acts happened. We have many unanswered questions as well.”
Just as the accomplishments of one’s child(ren) reflects positively upon their successes as parents, the child(ren)’s disgraces are also a reflection of their failures as parents.
That said, I give them some credit as the families of Atta and other terrorists–at best–deny their involvement or–at worst–praise their attacks on Americans, Israelis, or other “Infidels” around the world. Likewise, while the country of South Korea does not have any real responsibility for this atrocity, it is good to see its President expressing his shame and condolences as opposed to, say, blaming a Zionist conspiracy or the US government itself.
When information about Cho’s problems in school had been released, I wondered why his family did not push him seek some sort of help.
I had read in one article that one of the family’s neighbors had only kind things to say about the mother. The neighbor who was interviewed stated that while pregnant, she was out shoveling snow. The mother came over and told her that she would take care of the shoveling and proceeded to clear the neighbor’s car out. After reading the interview I actually wondered what it must be like to perform kinds acts for others, such as the one cited in the interview, to be a giving person, and the reward for that is having one’s own flesh and blood commit such a horrible act. I have a feeling that this family will be playing the “what if” game for the rest of their lives.
I was wondering why the family had not issued some sort of statement of apology or sympathy by now. In a mere 15 years America has facilitated them an incredible prosperity. They came here with nothing, started a dry cleaning business, put a daughter through one of the best schools in the world and a son through a very good school as well. All within 15 years. In what other country can one achieve this??? Most Americans (whose families have been here for generations!) have not risen to such heights. The irony of Cho’s jealousy of ‘rich kids’ is an ungrateful slap in the face to this country. In light of this, the family’s long silence I took as utter ingratitude. A statement was way overdue.
And yes, parents have the responsibility to get a troubled child the help he needs, absolutely. Not only for the sake of society, but for the sake of the child.
Tammy, sometimes parenting sucks. You do what you know with what you have, making mistakes all the way and praying that your kids turn out ok in spite of your screwups, and theirs. Yes, the Chos bear responsibility for their son’s actions, but with what we’ve heard from past tragedies such as this, some kids are very skillful at hiding everything from their parents. With what we know about privacy laws, the authorities he had scrapes with may have been totally prevented from sharing that info with his parents. Yes, most kids don’t do what he did.
But. There is too much we don’t know and may never know. As successful as they were in business, they may have fallen into the trap we all fall into of spending too much time trying to provide and not seeing the troubles brewing in his head. I tend to want to give them the benefit of the doubt and not judge. It’s tragic enough to lose your child in an accident or a shooting, but to know that he caused so much wide spread grief to so many, and to lose him, also, with so many unanswered questions, must be a burden beyond comprehension.
I just can’t add to that burden by criticising them. All who lost loved ones in the rampage, and the Chos, desperately need our prayers. Not words of derision.
I had not made a judgment about the gunman’s family, and was not surprised it took them so long to make a statement, knowing they must be in shock. And remember they are grieving too…although by his own hand, they have to bury their son just like the parents of all the other victims.
If they had come out blaming society or the gun shop owner or the university or anybody but their son, I would not feel much sympathy for them. But they are, I believe, genuinely surprised that their son did this. Frankly, I applaud them for not rushing to make a statement just because we all wanted to hear one.
Nobody truly knows what another person is capable of until they do it, no matter the warning signs. Such is the nature of evil.
I question myself about the actions of my adult children, good or bad. What might each child’s life be like if I had done or not done some thing? I don’t think I’m different than most parents. I differ from the Cho family in that my children are not the subject of conversation in every media outlet and watercooler discussion.
Who really can judge this family for the timing or depth of sorrow expressed. These are private people who have had their lives thrust into the glare of public view. I’ve heard and read commentators question the family’s patriotism, race, work ethic, parenting skills and ties to the Bush Administration. The private anguish of a parent of a wayward child is hell enough without the world picking at scabs and reopening old wounds.
This is not a family who trained their child to look forward to the day he could become a suicide bomber. This is a family who did all they knew to do to help the child they loved. Until evidence is presented that they were somehow criminally negligent, I just don’t see the point in bothering this family any more than legally necessary.
The Cho family has suffered a terrible loss. In many ways their pain is greater than any of the other victim’s families. They deserve our compassion, not ridicule.
I don’t know if a family is responsible for another actions; however I do think that this family was aware of Cho’s alienations. I also believe that the cultural aspects must be taken in consideration. When I heard that the South Korean people were apologizing, that is when I began to realize how many this event affected in so many complex ways. The family will carry shame forever; I for one do not hold them responsible. However, I will say they may have chosen to downplay his behaviors..and that concerns me..
Well, let’s think about the educational system that Cho grew up in…do we really want to condem what little Cho did here? Isn’t that judgemental of us? Shouldn’t we be trying to understand his pain? Was what he did really wrong? Is there any real right and wrong? Who decides?
Moral relativism has consequences!
You know what they say about hindsight. Not having children, it’s impossible for me to imagine what this must be like for any of the parents who lost a child, and that includes Cho’s parents. I do know that it is sometimes difficult to be objective and see things clearly when you’re very close to a situation or to someone. Who could have ever imagined this outcome, no matter how troubled he might have appeared all along. To lose a child with the added realization that he was responsible for destroying so many lives would be utterly devastating. They are victims of the evil as well.
I agree that their statement was genuine. Could they have done things differently? No doubt. But I imagine they did the best they knew how.
Tammy-
My brother, a deputy sheriff, was murdered by ambush ten years ago.His killer had told his mother two weeks prior that he was going to kill himself and he was going to take a “cop” with him when he did.He kept his word.She informed no one.
The killer staged a graffiti complaint for my brother to respond to and then shot him 31 times with a fully automatic illegally modified AR-15 (M-16).
Our family is vehemently against gun control.The families know these people are mentally defective.There is no way Cho’s family did not know or suspect his insanity. They are as pitiful as they are co- responsible (by omission of action).
Can we really expect these people,now, after this horrific event to come forward and say ” hell yes I knew he was a lunatic screwball,but no, I did nothing”?
Thanks,Tammy, you are doing a great job!
Just dropped by anchoress.com and read a link to Diana Butler Bass, “Eve-The Silence of a Murderer’s Mother”. Scroll down a short way from the top. Well worth a look…
Regarding the week’s time before making a statement, I’m not sure I’d even be able to breathe yet, much less speak, much less release a coherent statement if I were that mother. Feeling deep sorrow for the Cho parents doesn’t minimize the victims’ parents’ pain. I’m disturbed to see in some media reports a temptation to compare the two. That is ridiculous and terribly unfair! It implies a fear that acknowledging the Chos’ own tragedy is somehow disrespectful and disloyal to the victims.
I have never believed in “comparative pain,” and if ever there were a time to stress that mantra it is now.
We want to find someone, something to blame. We live in a world that tells you what to eat, makes you wear a helmet for roller-skating and punishes you for offensive words. We think we can make life perfect. Every pain, every sorrow is analyzed, usually with follow-up recommendations for new legislation. Once we believed in Evil, Sin, Fate; now it’s all a bad batch of brain chemistry shaken by the cruel hand of an uncaring society. We understand so little. We use the intelligence God gave us to study our world and try to make it better. But still, the Unknown is vaster than the Known. Some questions have no answer. We dare not abandon faith too soon. It may be our only hope.
Parents can be held legally responsible for their children’s actions while they are still children if the parents were negligent in allowing behaviors to continue. For example parents are responsible for ensuring their children go to school and receive proper medical attention. Cho was not a child when these shootings occurred, he was an adult. His parents were not responsible for his actions. I would like to know what type of action they took while he was underage to get him mental help. Also, Cho should have been on the FBI’s list of people not allowed to purchase guns because of mental instability. I would like to know what role the parents played, if any, in that screw up. Did they know he was interested in guns? Did they know if he took training in shooting guns? Did they know if he owned a gun? Did they report that to the FBI? They would have known his mental instability and if they knew he had guns then they were negligent in reporting it to the FBI.
Tammy, I also want to comment on the Alex Baldwin rant. I know it’s a little off the thread but I believe there are some similarities. Alex Baldwin’s parents are certainly not responsible for his actions, however, if I was the Grandparent of that eleven year old girl and my son made statements to her like that I would go on television and repudiate those statements and support the granddaughter. What he said was criminal and should be repudiated by everyone including his parents.
Parents can only do so much. This man was only declared a danger to himself, not to others. The parents could not involuntarily have him committed or force him to take medication. He was an adult.
I don’t think Cho’s family members, per se, were responsibile for his actions. If they had known or should have known of his evil intentions prior to the act and did nothing, they would bear some responsibility — same as if any of us had known but done nothing. I don’t think, however, that they should have necessarily known of his intentions just because they are his family members.
I don’t hold the family responsible. Once you’re 18, you are responsible for all your actions from then on. It doesn’t matter if you were abused or came from a great family. It’s up to you to do good or bad. Take responsibility for your actions. You can not hold the son responsible for his fathers sins. Nor can you hold the father responsible for his sons. It was Cho’s choice to do what he did. No one made him. It was his respsonsiblity. He could of stopped it at any time. He chose not to. I have a brother who is mentally ill and I am not responsible for his actions, nor do I feel the guilt for what he does.
My first thoughts included blame for the family. Yesterday when I read the family’s statement, the words of the sister about her brother, particularly struck me, “My brother was always quiet and reserved, but struggled to fit in.” In another report, I read that in his childhood he had been diagnosed as “autistic,” which was a misdiagnosis of epic proportions. It is likely closer to the truth that Cho was psychotic.
The family experienced him as quiet and reserved. I don’t blame the family. I do blame the schools, and I blame the medical institutions that treated Cho, both of which are eerily reflective of our impotent, passive culture, where individuals more often than not do not know what it means to take a stand, call things by the right name and fight back. Anyone who believes this could not have been avoided is just not thinking things through.
What does one actually do about a “Cho?” I suspect that many people know or know of someone like this guy at some point in their lives. Mine is an unfortunate lady who is (probably) bi-polar but functioning with medication. Still, she “explodes” on a regular basis – screaming at people, physically assaulting people, chasing customers out of her shop, threatening to shoot herself and take a few others with her. Her sicko husband is worthless – he defends her to the hilt. Her family-of-origin is crazier than she is.
Currently my wife and I are a little tense because she has promised to shoot her boyfriend and anyone else who learns of their 10-year affair and then herself. Problem is, the boyfriend has already blabbed to someone with a big mouth and the secret is out. When she learns of that things are going to get interesting. The odds against her actually murdering someone are probably some astronomical number to one but there have been a lot of “ones” lately. And she does have access to her husband’s shotguns which sit, loaded, in various places around their house. It is a bit worrisome.
The authorities are just about worthless in cases like this. About all they can offer is a restraining order which the wacko would violate or to pick up the bodies and shell casings after the shooting stops. I don’t own a weapon but am seriously considering a purchase (not solely because of this situation) but, even then, I can’t have it with me 24-7 and I don’t want the paranoia that would come with feeling that I need to be constantly ready to fend off a deadly assault.
My wife and I had a serious discussion about our “friend” today and in the end we decided that all we can really do is stay alert, hope for the best, and try to not take things too seriously. Just like Cho’s classmates. Does anyone have a better suggestion? Has the average American always had to worry about things like this or has something changed in our country?
I can’t blame the parents. They sound devastated by the actions of the son they raised. Reading the comments of relatives in South Korea it sounds like there was a problem with the boy from early on.
Some people seem to think that his parents knew about, or should have known about, his purchase of the pistols or of his problems at school. He was an adult, his parents weren’t allowed to know his medical or mental issues. The problems at school were considered private and so no one was told about them.
The balance between privacy for the individual and safety for society have always been at odds, right now I think that they are out of whack.
What this individual did was his own choice, he decided to go for broke as it were. A culture that rewards the producers and purveyors of fake mayhem on the movie screen, should not be surprised when disturbed people take the images they have seen and give life to them. The poses he struck in his video and pictures were apparently taken from a violent South Korean movie. He wanted to be famous, he wrote the script for his denouement, he gave it to NBC who in their lust for ratings rushed the images out for all to see. They branded the pictures with their logo before they handed them out to the world. NBC fulfilled this man’s sick dream. They then labeled his rantings a “manifesto” and gave it credence that it did not deserve.
There are so many facets to this sad episode. A killer who wanted to damage and hurt as many as possible, a family that didn’t see the depths of hate and rage in a mentally unstable child, a school system that looked the other way, medical privacy laws that protect the individual to the detriment of society, gun rules on a school campus that create a pool of unprotected victims, heros that helped save some of those that might have died. Most of us would like to know why, but the truth is we can probably never understand the inside of a mind that is so warped.
Blame is hard to put on anyone here, but the family I feel sorry for. I don’t think that they knew what kind of monster was inside the head of their son.
I feel sorry for the parents and the sister.
While I can certainly understand Cho’s family apologizing for him, I don’t understand everybody else doing so.
I guess his own family isn’t going to call him evil, but what about everybody else? Sugarcoating Cho’s actions by calling him “autistic”, or “troubled”, or even “psychotic” excuses the whole tragedy.
I guess the diagnosis of “evil” just isn’t in the DSM-IV. Third-party insurance billers won’t pay on a diagnosis of “evil” I suppose. And the mental health community doesn’t speak in terms of “evil” because that would imply a moral value judgment.
Evil implies certain religious and moral values lacking….something psychiatrists and mental health won’t discuss—issues of morality. So, we continue to dismiss Cho’s actions as “troubled” and “autistic”, even the term “insanity”—which still waters it down.
Call the such actions anything, but we mustn’t ever label an evil.
I feel bad for the Cho family. They had no more control of an adult child than my liberal mother had when I joined the Army to her chagrin. In the bigger picture nothing has changed; We all know who the real enemy is.
A Family’s Shame in Korea Their relatives in Korea, where shame is still one of the strong social mores, have suggested the parents not come back. “We would block them if they tried.”
I was not suprised to read the relatives’ reaction in YankeeWanker’s article. It is better the Cho family remain in the United States; if they return to S. Korea their lives will have no peace.