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Maynard goes to the movies

Beowulf is a movie based upon the eponymous epic poem dating back to the 8th century, and describing events in 5th-century Scandinavia. It’s an ancient tale of illegal immigrants and terrorists.

Although mainstream media scrupulously avoids use of the “V-word”, we all understand that modern terrorism is mainly perpetrated by marauding Vikings. In a twist of terrible irony, this story begins with a reprisal raid against the Vikings by Grendel, an illegal immigrant and anchor baby whose family had long been persecuted by the Danish monarchy. The ACLU and San Francisco Supervisors had declared Heorot a sanctuary, and an uneasy peace prevailed for a while. Then the immigrants raised objections to the Danish practice of drinking mead and making merry with barmaids and interns. This provoked an unfortunate wave of decapitations. King Hrothgar, an evil old pagan lecher, summoned Beowulf, a merciless mercenary, to put down the uprising and prop up his brutal regime. Thus the stage is set for a great conflict.

In spite of the sordid subject material, Tammy expressed an interest in seeing Beowulf after hearing a rumor that Angelina Jolie is depicted nude. I don’t want to crush anyone’s illusions, but this claim is false. Angelina does not appear nude. The alert observer will note that she is in fact wearing high-heeled shoes. This is, after all, a PG-13 movie (don’t ask me how they pulled that one off), and certain standards must be maintained.

But seriously, I enjoyed the film and would recommend it. Reviews have been mixed but tilting positive (see Metacritic). Don’t click to the following Wikipedia sites until after you’ve seen the film, unless you’re unconcerned about spoilers, but here’s a rundown on the movie itself as well as the epic poem.

Let me say a word about Robert Zemeckis, the director. Zemeckis has a hugely impressive record, and anything he does is worth checking out. His films tend to be on the absolute leading edge of cinema technology. And, even more notably, they aren’t just about special effects. He uses the newest tools to tell a story as it should be told and not just to show off. In that sense, he’s a visionary and a trailblazer as well as a crowd-pleaser.

“Beowulf” is rated PG-13. Much of the material is violent or playfully bawdy, leaving me wondering how they avoided the R rating. I’d say it’s suitable for today’s (forgive the oxymoron) mature teens, but it’s close enough to being over the line that concerned parents might want to check it out first before sending in the young ones. Note that it is screened in 3D in some theaters.