**A Post by Shifra**

Honestly, I was not planning to do this. I mean, your wife, Mooch, has a staff of, what, 26 people? So, I figured you must have an entire army of people to help you out. But after that ridiculous interview you gave to Israel’s Channel 2 last week, I thought you could use a few pointers.

First of all, you wished you could “wear a mustache in Tel Aviv” ? Seriously, who writes your material? Because two words come to mind: Fire Them! And, if you just made that up on the spot, I gotta tell you: You cannot do Stand Up. You cannot even do Sit Down. Please, take your teleprompter WITH you, and just r-e-a-d the w-o-r-d-s. That is what you are best at. Reading scripts. And, btw, although Jews have nothing against mustaches, it is in Iraq where all the men have mustaches. (Yes, I know, Israel and Iraq start with the same letter. But this is not Sesame Street. Please pay attention.)

Besides not being funny, you blew an opportunity to say some very impressive things.

For example, you might have said, “You know, I really wish I could get up at dawn, before the desert heat gets too intense, and hike the mountain trail to the top of Masada, where the Jews fought so valiantly against the Roman oppressors in 73 A.D.”

Or, you might’ve said, “I would love to wade into the Jordan River at the spot where Jesus was baptized.” That would have been quite a h/t to the Judeo-Christian framework on which our country was founded.

Oh, that reminds me: When you give your speech to the Israeli students, please do not rehash your Cairo speech, or tell them that the U.S. is not a Christian country. Maybe the Egyptian students liked that, but, trust me, this will not go over well with the Israelis. They will think you are a Dumb [email protected]

When you land in Israel, they will roll out the red carpet for you. Literally. To paraphrase your esteemed VP, this is a huge **expletive deleted** deal for Israel. The whole country is buzzing with anticipation of your arrival.

But, you need to keep in mind that it is not you they are honoring – it is the American people that they are honoring. Israelis really love “Ah-meh-reeka;” But you? Not so much.

I know you think the last election gave you a mandate. Well, the only man-date you really got was a few weeks ago with Tiger Woods on the golf course.

When it comes to Israel, Americans’ sympathy for Israel is at a twenty-two year high, and most Americans do not want the U.S to lead peace talks.

And a recent poll indicates that most Israelis do not trust you.

So, you would do the world a favor by listening more and talking less.

At first, I was surprised that you will not be visiting the Western (“Wailing”) Wall in Jerusalem. But, maybe this was not such a bad decision after all. I mean, that stunt you pulled on your last visit was very lame; writing a personal prayer on a piece of paper, as is customary for many people, and then placing the folded paper in a crack of the wall. You made a big show of this, and then the paper just happened to fall out (wink, wink) and one of your aides picked it up and read it to the press. Whose stupid idea was that? And, asking God for humility? Really!? Thanks for a good laugh.

I will tell you about another American politician who visited the Western Wall. Mitt Romney went to Israel last summer, accompanied by his wife, Ann. And they went to the Western Wall on a Jewish fast day, Tish’a B’Av, the national day of mourning for the destruction of Jerusalem at the hands of the Romans, two thousand years ago. And when Ann Romney learned about the solemnity and traditions of the day, she showed up at the Wall wearing slippers rather than leather shoes, as is the custom on that day of mourning. This was something that was not expected of her, but she said she wanted to show her solidarity with Israel. I don’t remember the time I was so moved by a politician’s attempt to connect with the Jewish people. It felt so sweet, and so sincere. It breaks my heart that she will not be our FLOTUS.

But here is my point to you: There is a thin line between authenticity and pandering. And, if you do not understand this, then, as Katy Jurado says in High Noon: “I cannot ‘splain it to you.”

One more thing: You are arriving in Israel a few days before Passover. You will be staying at the King David Hotel (very fancy-shmancy place; my husband and I met in Jerusalem, and our first date was at the bar at the King David. They make a killer daiquiri, btw). But the hotel kitchen has already been prepared for the special Passover diet.

So, I hope you like matzah ball soup. And, enjoy your matzah brei.

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41 Comments | Leave a comment
  1. RuBegonia says:

    Looked up the (wink, wink) at the Western Wall incident.
    This is what POTUS WROTUS on the NOTUS:

    *******
    “Lord,
    Protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins and help me guard against pride and despair. Give me the wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will.”
    *******

    Hmmmmm.

    P.S. Shifra, Thanks for the insight, and a good WooFaw!

  2. Cernunnos81 says:

    Well, I guess that this trip and his time with Bibi will be known as the Matzah Summit. I like a good matzah and chicken soup. Is very similar to proper chicken and dumplings, just less fluff.
    I hope he can refrain from stepping on his own toes and not fall face first. And, I think the reason he is avoiding the Knesset and Jerusalem is because, if he went and spoke before the Knesset, he would be acknowledging that Jerusalem is the Capitol of Israel. If he were to do that, he’d make his buddies in the MB mad, not to mention his friends in Libya and his soon to be pals in Syria (after they’re done recruiting jihadis to fight as “rebels” there. It would also alienate the Jew haters (Palestine protesting, jewish apartheid claiming, vey inem tuchus bastards) here in the US, which form a solid part of his political base.

    *found me a Yiddish/English/Yiddish translator that Works (YiddishTR) WhooHoo!

  3. LJZumpano says:

    thumbs up Shifra

  4. pamelarice says:

    Shifra, you hit this one out of the ball park! Great 🙂

  5. midget says:

    Shifra- you “splained” it pretty good to him but like that prayer he “wrote”, his intentions make me wonder.Its written that in the last days the anti-christ will make peace with Israel before he tries to destroy it. I dont think it was a fluke that BO was seen on TV last week. I’ll be surprised if he has any servings of matzah balls unless someone gets a clear lob of one to his posterior. 15-Love

  6. Patricia says:

    Thank you for a wonderful post Shifra.

  7. naga5 says:

    great job, shifra.
    i read an interesting “book end” to your post on the jerusalem post (H/T blaze) on why is the db going at all. i cant recall the overall bias rating on the j post. maybe you can help me on that shifra. anyway, yours is an excellent read and i love matzah brei!
    rick

    • Shifra says:

      Rick,
      The Jerusalem Post is a “mixed bag” — not as Left-wing as Ha’aretz, whose editor is said to be very much to the Left of Obama. (Is that even possible?)

      But, more importantly, what topping do you prefer on your matzah brei? jam? sugar? (husband prefers ketchup – horror of horrors 🙂 )

      • naga5 says:

        thanks for the info on the j-post
        my jewish friend started me on some jam on the matzah brei. i might have tried ketchup but my friend had less of a revulsion to the idea-her ex did the same thing. oh, and did i tell you how much i like your husband now? 😉
        i may have deteriorated to the Cali default-tapatio and a splash of salsa.
        in my defense, technically, there was a large under the radar jewish population following WWII.
        😉
        rick

  8. deaves1 says:

    As usual for Shifra. Awesome 1st rate article. Perhaps you should consider becoming an advisor to this fool so he is not such an embarassment when traveling in this area.

  9. […] Shifra’s Tips To Obama On His Upcoming Trip To Israel ` 0.000000 0.000000 Please Feel Free To LINKTwitterPinterestEmailStumbleUponFacebookRedditDiggLike this:Like Loading… […]

  10. LucyLadley says:

    Shifra, your post was outstanding & very educational. I definitely learned some things I did not know. I know your intent was for a specific leader to learn some things & I’m sure that person will learn some things as well. You may not receive a thank you note from the leader your letter was written to, so I will thank you on behalf of all the American citizens & leaders that may not get around to thanking you. “Shifra, Thank you for being such a great American Citizen that eloquently writes about our love & appreciation for Israel.”

  11. Kitten says:

    Thanks for this insightful post, Shifra! I only wish OBummer had someone around him who actually cared about how he could better present himself and America to our Israeli friends. I’m sorry, but I can only imagine what horrible thing he’s gonna say, or do on this trip to utterly embarrass us. It’s coming, wait for it…

    Of course, the Israeli people will be unequivocally gracious while internally shaking their heads at his ignorance. Maybe Bibi Netanyahu can lecture him again, this time on what NOT to say and do when visiting Israel as a Head of State. Lord help us.

  12. flaggman says:

    Yasher Koach Shif, this was great! Just another suggestion of what he could have said instead of the mustache comment. Could have said he’d like to visit the African refugees saved by Israel from Ethiopia, Sudan, Congo, etc. and welcomed to freedom. If he had a son, they might actually look like that.

  13. Shifra says:

    LOL, flaggman.

    Well, O is going to be dining with the first black Miss Israel. Does that count? 🙂

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/9927119/Barack-Obama-to-dine-with-first-black-Miss-Israel.html

    • flaggman says:

      No, it doesn’t count. From reading the story, she’s an Obama-ass-kisser, and if she was not, I doubt she’d get the invite. But she is surely a MUCH better dinner date than Mooch!

  14. otlset says:

    “Kosher? Nothing but Kosher? OMG Barack, have the chef on Air Force One send over some cheeseburgers and creme pies!”

    –Mooch

  15. ShArKy666 says:

    how much you wanna BET the dumb bastard asks them to change the hotel around for him?

  16. 1ntbtn says:

    Good write up Shifra, I think this whole trip of his to Israel is one big fat photo shoot. He’s a poor excuse for a leader.

  17. marleed says:

    Nice post, Shifra . . . but you forgot to warn our National Embarrassment about the proper protocol for bringing agricultural products (a Magnolia tree) into Israel. ( http://bit.ly/ZUdaeO ). Of course the story is that the tree planting and immediate removal was preplanned. I guess FEDEXing it ahead of time wasn’t possible due to Sequester budget constraints. Here’s hoping he makes it through the rest of the trip without making a total a** of himself!

    I know . . . too late!

  18. LJZumpano says:

    If he does have a chance to leave a prayer, perhaps he could take a lesson from Pope Francis:

    Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

    Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
    Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
    where there is injury,pardon;
    where there is doubt, faith;
    where there is despair, hope;
    where there is darkness, light;
    and where there is sadness, joy.

    O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
    to be consoled as to console;
    to be understood as to understand;
    to be loved as to love.
    For it is in giving that we receive;
    it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
    and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

  19. aardvark says:

    Shifra — YOU on the other hand CAN do stand up! And I thought POTUS’ prayer was “Please help me not to throw like a girl.”

  20. jmm says:

    Shifra,

    Outstanding!!!! LOL

  21. Alain41 says:

    Shifra, if you have anything to say about below, will be appreciated.

    Debbie Schlussel writes on her website:

    “…there is what Obama said with Peres at his side, as noted by Boycott Watch‘s Fred Taub on Twitter, this morning: …

    [DS] At a press conference or speech with Peres, Obama praised “Ploni the miracle worker from the Talmud.” But there is no such person. As any learned Torah Jew (or just a Hebrew speaker) knows, “Ploni” or “Plony” is short for “Ploni Almoni” or “Plony Elmony,” which is Hebrew for “John Doe” or “so and so” or “some [not important enough to name] person.” (The female vernacular of the term would be “Plonya” or “Plonya.”) The term is used frequently in the Talmud and throughout Jewish texts…”

  22. Shifra says:

    Yes, “Ploni Almoni” is like “John Doe.”

    I think Obama meant to say “Choni” — as in “Choni HaMa’agal,” as there are legends about Choni in the Talmud.

    Hey, Tammy does not call him a DB for nothing!

    (I certainly do *not* expect him to know who Choni was. But someone on his staff really messed up.)

  23. Alain41 says:

    Column on Obama’s recent meeting with U.S. Jewish organization leaders.
    http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/343428/obama-s-mangled-quotation-craig-s-karpel

    “…“Obama continued,” the story said, “by citing a quote attributed by some to the Chinese military tactician Sun Tzu, who suggested that a ‘golden bridge’ must be built to give what Obama described as a ‘proud people’ [Iran] a face-saving retreat to a diplomatic solution.”…So for Sun Tzu, the purpose of providing a path for retreat isn’t to avoid hurting the feelings of a “proud people” so that engagement can work its magic. It’s to fool the enemy into believing there’s a way he can avoid a fight to the death — and then to strike and crush him….”

  24. otlset says:

    Picture caption: “Obama’s Excedrin headache #49 — having to visit Israel.”

  25. Shifra says:

    Let’s see…

    1) limo breakdown on Tel-Aviv-Jerusalem highway.

    2) donated tree needs to be dug up (see marleed’s comment and hear Tammy’s DTB
    last night)

    3) mangled Talmudic and Chinese history references (see Alain41’s comments above)

    Yep, Tammy is right. He IS a DB…

    Btw, when Pope Benedict visited Israel, he also planted a tree. (Planting trees is a very big deal in Israel, since most of the land, about one hundred years ago, was either barren or swamps) However, the Pope planted a seedling that was purchased in Israel, so it did not have be dug up and analyzed.

    On the Tel-Aviv-Jerusalem highway, there are several burned out tanks from the War of Independence in 1948. The tanks were left there, on the side of the road, as a memorial to those that fell in battle. I think it would be fitting to leave O’s limo on the side of the road, as a testament to his failed presidency.

    Deaves suggested (see his comment) that maybe I should become an advisor to Obama. Well, I would be a really bad one, because I would only have one word for him: Resign!

  26. LJZumpano says:

    Oh Shifra, it just keeps getting worse:
    caught this on Google news from Jerusalem Post, ten minutes ago, with headline

    Red carpet rolled out for Obama’s departure from Israel

    “Official ceremony nixed due to sand storm; US president pays respects to Herzl and Rabin before touring Yad Vashem, where he says Israel’s existence is not because of Holocaust, but ensures it won’t happen again.”

  27. dennisl59 says:

    Israelis and Palestinians come together, at last!

    An Onion Report:

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/palestinians-israelis-come-together-to-mock-obamas,31767/

    posted 3/22 735pm Texas[Meshuggana]Time

  28. lawmom90 says:

    Oh dear, may the good Lord above have extreme mercy on our souls. Shifra, great post–thanks for educating me on many points and entertaining me as well. Way to go!

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